Playhouse From Hell

So today I was scoping out some goods on Craig's List, particularly giant plastic playhouses for my toddling daughter to hide in so she doesn't see mommy getting drunk on wine every afternoon.

Now, some of these playhouse offerings are pretty ridiculous - tables are missing, phone receivers are missing, plastic faucets have been broken off, and water trapped in the walls is growing black mold in at least half of the houses listed.

But that's not the worst of it. Oh no. There is one listing today that made me wet my pants a little when I read it. I laughed until Diet Pepsi burned in my nostrils.

This is an honest-to-Elvis Craig's List listing in SE Michigan, word for word:

Little Tikes Playhouse - $15
White, pastel blue & pink playhouse/cottage w. pretend oven range inside. This had a yellow jacket's nest in it over the summer. Husband plugged up the hole, but there is no way to really take the nest out unless you cut apart the plastic. You can't really see it. We don't believe in using pesticides so it has not been sprayed. Queen yellow jackets can survive in the nest over winter so you'd want to be sure to get rid of her if you can or if you don't mind spraying chemicals, spray it. It's only $15 due to the nest.

Yes, all you need to do is hire an exorcist, light a couple matches, and wear a gas mask, and you're good to go! Fun for the kiddies! You see that yellow jacket at right? It's laughing. Laughing at the idea of eating your children right now. Laying in wait inside that playhouse. But at least - thank god - you can't see her (as the ad graciously reminds us). And you can't see her nest pulsating and growing inside your child's cherished plaything. Because if you can't see deadly insects, then they don't exist.

Why - you might ask - why wouldn't someone just banish this playhouse to the pits of landfill hell? The garbage man won't object - because apparently the queen is overwintering right now!!

And WHAT hole did the husband plug up exactly? And WHAT did he plug it with? A gasoline-soaked rag??

But no. They don't throw it out. These people who walk among us in society, who are neighbors and family to somebody honestly thought, ya know? I bet someone might pay us $15 for this puppy!

Super Happy Most Excellent Picture #12

Because it makes me giggle uncontrollably, and somehow never gets old.

"McCain the Bogeyman"

Palin the Ass

I've made no secret of the fact that I think Sarah Palin is a twit. She's a condescending characature of ignorant Americans that loves to talk, even when she doesn't know what to say.

And to me, that makes her dangerous. Scary, scary, bad dangerous. Dick Cheney dangerous - just with less knowledge and experience. Kind of like giving a toddler a blow torch. A toddler who likes to kill animals and is bent on religious purification and expansion of power.

But I don't want to be a voice of doom and gloom from over here on the Left (and god forbid I wouldn't want to sound like a Republican fear factory), so maybe I can present to you a kinder, fuzzier view of the Sarah Palin story as it could unfold....in a ha-ha, god please don't let it happen, kind of way....

Plus, since I'm getting in my digs here at this nutjob, I'll just say it. She kind of looks like a used-up ex-porn star. Hey, my husband said it. I didn't. I just didn't like the way she kept flirting with me at last night's debate. For the love of god, quit winking at me! You still have to buy me dinner before I'll go to bed with you!

Get me Some Vicodin, I've Got Production Restraint Pox!

We're back again to play our favorite celebrity gameshow: "Guess the Real Reason For Going to the Hospital!"

If this is your first time playing, here's how it works: When you read about a celebrity being hospitalized (or canceling a performance) for "exhaustion"or "dehydration", we all make guesses as to what's really wrong with them. (After all, if they hospitalized people for exhaustion, moms of small children would never be off of a gurney!)

Ok, today's contestant is.....the scary, the challenged...Janet Jackson!

The overexposed celebuwhore cancelled the second concert in a week last night, all part of her "Rock Witchu" tour. I lie not. I can't make up this lame as anti-rock shit. The first concert bail-out was in Detroit because of "production restraints". Today's excuse? A sudden and vague "illness" that struck her during soundcheck in Montreal. Apparently this "production restraint fever" was so intense that she spent the night at a hospital. In the fake maladies ward of St. Bullshit Memorial Hospital.

Now players, gather 'round, grab a pencil, and pick from one of these game choices.

Was Janet really hospitalized for...

A.) Drug Overdose

B.) A Vicodin Prescription that Gave out in Tampa

C.) Slumping Ticket Sales

D.) Last-Minute Plastic Surgery

E.) Sexually Transmitted Disease

F.) Shameless Attempt to Duck Court/Legal Obligations

G.) Desperate Publicity Stunt

H.) Psychiatric Evaluation

I.) Impromptu Drug Rehab

The clock starts....n-....NOW. You have 30 seconds to make your choice. Go! Na-na-na-nana-na-na-na (it's the Jeopardy! theme, just go with it...) Na-na-na-ne-nah--nanananana, Na-na-na-nana-na-na-na, Nah! Ne-nah, Ne-nah, Ne-hah, Bom-bom!

Ok, time's up! If you answered H.) Psychiatric Evaluation, then you deserve an ice cream cone, because that's my guess! And no other real reason. Hey, it's my game.

Janet's peeps are very tight-lipped on this one. So until the walking sideshow ages another ten years, finds her money has dried up much like her hootchicoo parts (or Papa Joe has stolen all her money and slapped her around) and she writes a tell-all describing the event of the past week, we are left to only guess and wonder. I owe myself five bucks when that time comes if it turns out to be a Vicodin jag. I knew I should've guessed B!

Tune in next time for "Guess the Real Reason for Going to the Hospital!", and thanks for playing!

You Can't Spell Debate without B-I-N-G-O

Hey all you political nuts, with your pre-decided views on who's already won the debate, who you're voting for. Since you're not going to be listening to the debates to help influence your decisions or for any real political insight (because we all know that the people who haven't made up their damned minds yet aren't watching the debates tonight, they're eating their hair in the corner about what flavor of mac-n-cheese to eat for dinner), I thought I'd share with you a way to spice things up a bit.

It's Presidential Debate BINGO!

Most of us will be playing this BINGO as a drinking game, and I encourage you to do the same. Especially if you're aware of the state of our country. It'll make all the bullshit go down easier.

Much to my delight, there are multiple types of BINGO cards available for tonight, so please pick one or all to distribute among friends (or your collection of stuffed animals if you're all by yourself. Sad.).

Just click on the images to travel over to the sites where you can print them.

RULES FOR PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE bingo:

1. Take a sip each time you cover a square
2. Take a big drink for every BINGO
3. Pray that you don't go blackout!

The Wonder Years

Here it is! Your ticket to hop in the way-back machine and catch a glimpse of Meri the Strange throughout the years! Its a magical ride!





1952








1964









1966






1982







1984





I think I've aged really, really well, all things considered. I was smokin' hot in '66. Sure I made some bad hair choices, especially in 1982. But I think I rallied and pulled off the cheerleader 'do pretty well in '84.

Now I have to get back to studying for that test. That's right! I'm STILL in school!

Don't You Forget About Me

Yes, there are about a thousand household chores and other responsible things I should be doing with my day.

But instead, I found this amazingly distracting website that turns back the hands of time for all of us who really felt we didn't live up to the style potential we could've in high school. The site is called Yearbook Yourself, and well, I think you get the idea of what it does.

Just upload one dorky picture of yourself. The less flattering the better. Then play around with different poses, and voila! You've wasted an entire afternoon and look really, really stupid.

I loves it.





I personally think I'm rockin' 1976. What do you think?

Ok, Meri the Strange, now it's your turn. Let's see what kind of school spirit you have. I challenge you to upload a few of your own yearbook photos. Rah-rah-rah!

The Great Golden Girls Game!

Gather 'round, gather 'round! I am about to unveil a Golden Girls spectacular of thrills, chills, and excitement. It gives me great pleasure - nay, embarassment, to introduce to you a game I have invented for those lonely nights when all you want to do is have a slice of cheesecake around a Miami wicker kitchen table with a few old broads.

Here is a game to help you rank and discover what truly is the GREATEST Golden Girls episode of all-time. Or you can make it a drinking game. Which is probably a lot funner. But I don't know if I want Rose Nylund flashbacks the next morning with lipstick smears all over the screen, so it's your call.

Here's what you need to play:

A love for Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, and Rose
A few episodes of The Golden Girls ready to roll
A pen and paper*
(*you may substitute a bottle of Goldschlager or a box of wine if you do not own a pen and paper)

Now, start your engines and away we go! As you watch a series of episodes, you'll need to keep score of each episode's happenings, and here's how to do it.




The Great Golden Girls Game SCORECARD!

Mark points on your scorecard for the following Golden Girls moments:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 pt. - A late-night dessert is eaten in the kitchen while discussing a problem

2 bonus pts. - If that dessert is cheesecake

1 pt. - Every lover or group of lovers that Blanche mentions by name, date, position, or profession

4 pts.- If the girls scream in horror after discovering two people in bed together

2 pts. each - Every time Sophia says, "Picture it…." followed by a location and year

1 pt. - Each time Rose mentions a St. Olaf resident (not her, Charlie, or their kids) by NAME

3 pts. - Each time Rose mentions a St. Olaf pet or livestock by NAME

1/2 pt. - Each time someone says "Shady Pines"

2 pts. - For every family member that comes to stay with the girls

1 bonus pt.- If the visitor is one of Blanche or Rose's daughters, and the daughter acts like a total bitch

2 pts. - Every time Dorothy asks a guest to leave the house

1 pt. - Every time they have to call 911, or fear that Sophia's dying "Maaa!!!"

2 pts. - Each time Sophia makes a farting joke


2 pts. - If Stan comes to the house

1 bonus pt. - If Stan brings the monkey cone with him

6 pts. - If any of the four girls sing or dance during the episode

2 pts. - If Sophia talks about a Sicilian curse

4 bonus pts. - If we see Sophia put a curse on anyone!

2 pts.- Each time Dorothy is mocked for getting pregnant as a teen

4 pts.- If there's a wedding (whether or not the bride backs out beforehand)

5 pts.- If "The Cheeseman" is mentioned

-3 pts. - If they help a wayward child/person in need

-1 pt. - If Carol, Barbara, Dr. Westin, or Dreyfus appear, in what is surely a sad spinoff tie-in attempt
-8 pts. - If it's a clip show!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are strange enough to try out this scoring system (and you just know I am!), please be sure to enter the score for each episode in the message board, along with the episode title (or at least a recognizable description). Together, we CAN truly discover the GREATEST GOLDEN GIRLS EPISODE EVER!!

McRoad Rage

Today I was going through the drive-thru at a popular fast food McChain. I don't want to name McNames, but my dining experience was less than McSatisfactory. First of all they had the two-lane drive-thru. This means that all of the McBastards driving SUVs take up so much room that neither lane can move up enough for the next person to order. Of course, today of all days I was in a huge hurry to get back to work. I placed my McOrder and went to move up. As I was inching up, I heard someone say "Woah!" It was the guy in front of me. He said it the way cowboys say "woah" to their horses when they want them to stop. He was a hick with a handlebar mustache in an old junky jeep. And he was "woah"-ing me. Who the hell is he to "woah" me?!? Luckily, the weather was nice today and his window was down and I was able to first tell him off, then proceed to say "woah" in a mocking tone every time he inched his car up in line. It provided a lot of amusement for me!

Now, regarding my McFast food experience, I'd like to throw two questions out there into the universe:

First of all, when the automated greeting plays at the menu, (you know, the one that says "Welcome to McFast Food Restaurant, would you like to try a McSuper deluxe combo with cheese?") are you supposed to (a) reply to it, then wait awkwardly for the real person to ask for your order or (b) ignore the automated greeting and just place your order after it is done without waiting?

I usually do (a) but I always feel kind of dumb replying to an automated greeting. Yet it does ask you a question. I feel rude not replying in case the real person can hear me. When the real person does come on, sometimes they sound impatient when they ask me what I want, which makes me wonder if I'm not supposed to wait for them to come on the speaker and ask.

My second question is why is it that when I ask for no pickle, no mustard on my McCheeseburger, those McBastards give me extra ketchup and onions? Just because I don't want pickles or mustard doesn't mean that I automatically want more of the other crap!

Just thought I'd McAsk.

Daewoo-hoo!!!

I recently saw the movie "Pineapple Express" and was super-psyched about a particular aspect of the ending. Now, this isn't a huge spoiler, as I'm not going to reveal any other details, but if you are one of those whiny people who freaks out about knowing anything about a movie they have not seen, stop reading. Ok? Good. Now, at the end of the movie, a certain character kills another character by smashing into him/her with his Daewoo and then yells out the line, "You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, mother fu%$er!" I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. It was not just the line, it's the context. I have a Daewoo Nubira, and for years people have made fun of me for having this wierd car that no one had ever heard of and that almost no one else owned. Ok, ok, the Daewoo is kind of the Edsel of its day. However, now all of you can bow down to me because the Daewoo has achieved pop-culture fame and will go down in history as a bad-ass weapon in a very funny movie! Go see it and show some respect next time my car comes screeching by!

Suck it, Dream Cruise!

Ok, as I sat down to write this blog, I first tried to think of an eloquent title. But after wasting an hour of my life in hellish traffic, it all comes down to the above sentiment.

For those of you not local to Detroit, aka the Motor City, we have an event here called the "Woodward Dream Cruise". It is supposed to be a one day event that allows the middle-aged to remember the good old days when they used to "cruise" up and down the main thoroughfare in the metro Detroit area, Woodward Avenue. All of the grease monkeys and blue collar types dust off their classic cars for the event and thousands of people line Woodward and just watch these classic cars drive South. Then North. Then South. Then North again. Yeah. It's that exciting. It's supposed to be full of fun and nostalgia, but in reality it is just a huge waste of time and gasoline. Picture a rush hour traffic jam and then throw in some classic cars. That's about it. And it goes on for days. It is supposed to be one day. But really, it lasts about a week.

One week. One full week of gridlock traffic and stupid over-the-hill men and their granny wives pretending to be sixteen again in big shiny cars going way under the speed limit so that people can see their big shiny cars. (Hmmm...could these guys be compensating for something else they're lacking? I think so.)

One full week of morons lined up alongside the road chugging beers and sitting in lawn chairs watching intently and taking pictures of whatever they may see, be it cute young girls in teeny tiny tops, bright red classic convertibles, or me, in my non-classic car, screaming at the top of my lungs, having a nervous breakdown. Today I think I actually scared a few of the on-lookers.

I hate you Dream Cruise, I hate you!!! All you do is cause traffic and crowds and noise and pollution and litter and disorderly conduct!! Every year the hellicopters hover over my house so that I feel like I'm living in a war zone. Every year I worry that I'll be screwed in case of a medical emergency because no ambulance is going to be able to navigate through the sea of stupid that is Woodward Avenue on Dream Cruise day.

Someday I will move far, far away from Detroit and then every year on Dream Cruise day I will drink a glass -- ok, a bottle -- of wine and eat some chocolate and think about how peaceful it is to not be surrounded by thousands of boozing, cruising morons.

In the meantime, I'm Meri the Strange. Go fu@% yourself, Motor City!

I actually DO loves it. Huh.

I think I was wrong. And that doesn't happen often. I actually think I misjudged Ms. Hilton. First I accidentally discover that her debut musical album isn't so bad (must wash the shame away...I scrub and scrub!), and then I see this video she's made "running for president". And all of a sudden I have respect for the girl. She has humor, she has timing. And I actually think that there may be a few brain cells rattling around up there.

Think I'm crazy? (I mean, more than usual?) Well, watch this video and judge for yourself. I think it's the best political ad I've ever seen. Bravo, Skankerella. Bravo.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Bad Kwame, Bad!

Well, I'm sure any of you detroiters out there have already heard the happy news. Our beloved (ha-ha) Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is in jail. They threw him in the slammer this morning for breaking his bond and going over to Canada. Wait. What? Seriously? After ALL of the crap that this guy has done to not only break the law, but flaunt his law-breakin' ways, he gets arrested for a bond violation? Geez. It's like Capone getting busted for tax evasion!

In honor of this momentous occasion, the city of Detroit (ok, maybe just the Woolly part of the city of Detroit) has officially named today Hoosgow Day!

Now, I'm sure they're going to throw Mayor McCheese in his own plush cell complete with cell phone, pimp clothes, and plenty of booze and women. However I'm going to picture him in a rat-infested cell being eye-balled by big guys named Bubba like a fresh side of beef. It just feels more like karma that way.


Happy Hoosgow Day!

Dum De Dum Dum...Wha?

This is exactly what I was saying aloud to myself as I pleasantly waited for the results of my 'How Evil Are You?' test that was posted on Woolly's sister blog, Woollymom.com.

The "wha?" part comes from the result. My sister, who is like me in almost every way, was 56% Evil. I figured, hey, I'll be right around there. Maybe a smidgeon higher. But just a smidgeon.

Then I see this:

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Seriously? I'm that evil? Man. Who knew that people feared me. And who knew that I would secretly find that cool. At this moment I am torn between being ashamed of myself and being oddly proud. Take the test yourself. I know you'll enjoy it!

Giraffe Sweatshirts and Bunny Shoes

As I was wandering aimlessly through the mall the other day lamenting the fact that I have no money to spend on anything other than gas and bills, I happened upon the most adorable little clothing article. I immediately knew that it would be the perfect addition to my new fall back-to-school wardrobe. In fact, it would be the only addition to my new fall back-to-school wardrobe. This item was none other than a Giraffe Sweatshirt from Pacific Sunwear or "PacSun" as you cool kids call it. I am not cool. Maybe the proof is that I love, love, love this sweatshirt. Not only could I walk around looking like a giraffe, but this sweatshirt was so soft, it felt like buttah! My friend scoffed when I showed him the sweatshirt, but I know its cool and that someday we will be together.

Upon exiting the store, right in the middle of daydreaming about winning the lottery and being able to do fun things like dye my hair blue and own a giraffe sweatshirt, I remembered another cool animal fashion that I had recently been dreaming of. In the same mall, just a few stores down, I had spotted Bunny Shoes! Way cooler than bunny slippers, I think you'll agree! The store no longer has them, but I found them online. And someday they will be mine. Oh yes. They will be mine. Or, you know, they'll be out of stock by the time I save up the money for them. And before you speak up about a certain holiday with a big jolly fat guy, I've already planned what I want for Christmas. These goodies would have to be pushed back to Christmas List 2010.

No someday, dear readers, I will walk proudly across my college campus sporting bunny shoes and a giraffe sweatshirt. I believe in miracles. Send out some good thoughts for me, though, too. You know, just in case all the miracles go to the stupid people with incurable diseases and family tragedies and such.

Evil, Thy Name Is Sylvia

It's been a few days since I have posted on my new beloved blog because of some very sad personal things I have been going through the past few days, which I will share with all of you when I am ready.

In the meantime, I would like to give a long overdue shout out to a wonderful man named Robert S. Lancaster. I don't know him personally, but I am very familiar with his work. He is the creator of one of my favorite internet sites, StopSylviaBrowne.com.

I'll cut to the chase here: Sylvia Browne is the devil. She pretends to be a psychic and scams misguided, grieving families out of their hard-earned cash. She doesn't even do a very good job of hiding it!

I have hated Sylvia Browne for ages. I can't believe how successful she continues to be. It's disturbing. StopSylviaBrowne.com is amazing, though. It debunks her in a way that is so thorough and even-handed, even the most devoted of her fans will have trouble explaining the inconsistencies.

Please visit the site and spread the word. Sylvia Browne is pure evil and must be destroyed (DISCLAIMER: Of course I mean professionally and financially destroyed. I in no way wish physical harm upon her.)

And Now For A Public Service Announcement...

I encountered something at work today that really bothered me. And, yeah, I know, lots of things bother me. But this one really takes the cake. In fact, I'd refer to it as my 'pet peeve' were it not for the fact that one of my biggest 'pet peeves' is people who use the phrase 'pet peeve'...

Anyway, this woman I work with--we'll call her Schmenny--came into the office and decided to loudly broadcast tales of the dream she had had the night before. Apparently it involved some of her co-workers (not me, thank god!) and she felt the need to unburden her soul right there and then.

I couldn't really tell you what the dream was about. It started with her picking up someone for carpool -- "isn't that funny, 'cause we don't even live near eachother" -- and then there was some stuff about the office looking different and some old co-workers that weren't supposed to be there. "...and Bonnie was in Nancy's office and then we...and then she said...wait, then I asked where Nancy was because Nancy wasn't there. She said that she had decided to get her old job back and now Nancy was out sitting by us. I asked Nancy if she cared. No, first Gina walked in and then I asked Nancy if she cared about her job and she said..."

Yeah.

Unfortunately I'm going to have to leave this one on a cliffhanger, because at this point my ears started to bleed and shortly afterwards I blacked out for a while.

I am now going to share with all of you the secret of life. This is it. The big one. The one you've been searching for all of your life:

(drum roll)

No one cares about your dreams but you.

That's right. When you tell anyone else about your dreams, I know you're sure that they're interesting to hear about. Everyone thinks their own dreams are fascinating. They're not. They're wierd and poorly narrated and there is no point to them for the listener. You might as well start randomly reading names out of the phone book. If your listener laughs, they're just placating you. Inside, they're praying to god that it will end soon.

So for the love of all that is holy, people, STOP telling other people about your dreams! It is painful! Keep them to yourselves!!!!!

Cer-azy Coloring!

Suck it, Smurfs! Finally we have a coloring book that gives us hours of doodling fun, AND the magic of a history lesson all rolled into one. I know many of you didn't think I was a fan of the Bible or that Jeebis guy - but now I've realized that Christian history is way cooler than I ever thought. All thanks to the magic of coloring! Go, Jeebis, go!

NO To Carrots!

I love beauty products. They're just fun. Even when they don't make me more beautiful, they're still fun. For example, I have this night cream I bought a sample packet of. It smells like cocoa. It does nothing noticeable for my skin. But I still love it because who wouldn't like to apply cocoa-scented cream to their face at night?

For years now I've been following the advice of magazines for my beauty product purchases. I've listened to the "geniuses" at Vogue, In Style, Lucky, Cosmopolitan, etc etc. And do you know what I've found out? The lesson I've finally learned? They know NOTHING about beauty products!!

One magazine recently raved about the brand Yes To Carrots! It is praised for being all natural and amazing for your skin. Now, I get really excited about beauty products, especially trendy ones with funny names, so I immediately went out and bought the Yes To Carrots brand hand lotion, body butter, mud mask for hair, mud mask for face, and makeup remover. Yeah, I got a little carried away.

After trying all of these products, the results are as follows: The hand lotion is ok, but I've tried better. And the smell is kind of blah. The body butter is just the hand lotion in a different package. Not buttery at all! The mud mask for the hair did nothing. The mud mask for the face was ok, but there are cheaper alternatives that work just as well. The makeup remover is the worst of all and, ironically, it is the one I still use. It constantly leaves makeup on my face after I use it. But I am determined to finish the bottle because I can't stand to waste any more money. So night after night I use it and then have to follow up with something else to get my face truly clean.

Bottom line: Say NO to carrots and never, ever listen to magazine beauty advice. Next time I'll tell you about the hair remover they recommended to me. I'm still trying to get the smell off.

Big Brother 10: Laryngitis Olympics

This season is quickly going down in flames. So let me just say I was wrong. What I thought was a very promising season full of hard-core gamers has turned into a bunch of over-gaming maniacs who keep chasing their tails trying to play the game too hard.

EPISODE RECAP-

Food Competition -
Hey daddio, it's a totally 50s-themed food competition with poodle skirts and letterman sweaters. And somehow this loosely translates into a secondary laundry sorting theme. Something about "sock" hops. Yeah, I think it's a stretch, too. But anyway, our houseguests are separated into boy-girl teams, each on opposite sides of a partition and must find matching pairs of socks in laundry baskets by shouting sock descriptions over the partition. Their matches win them different varieties of food. Blah, blah. This hillariously awful part of this competition is that we have to hear self-proclaimed "tv-announcer in training" Jerry, and Renny, both shout with their smoker's lung voices. It all comes out as a babble of croaks that no one can understand, and I have to turn down my volume because the croaking is upsetting my animals. And then houseguests win food and booze. Hurray.

Keesha's Big Decision -
Even after being approached by multiple houseguests with the answer to life, the universe, and everything...Keesha, as HOH, still plays it very close to the vest as to whom she's going to nominate.

On one hand, she's got the underdogs begging her to throw them a bone and cast off the witch's coven that has Jessie's muscles as their familiars. They want Memphis and Libra cast out.

But then here's the in-crowd who wants to insert their hands up Keesha's bum and use her like a blonde meat puppet to vote out Dan, Renny, or Gramps. Tough call, Keesha. Tough call.

All she can say is that she's "really gonna shake things up". That better mean Julie Chen's going on the block.

Nominations -
Up go Angie and Jessie. Why? Angie let all of the Brian hatin' wrath dump all over Keesha and Steven. Now it's time for her to take her medicine. Lame, but fair, because I think Angie's a whiny little toad.

And then there's Jessie. Why's he on the block? Because he's the arrogant muscle head that makes me spit at the tv every night. He wins a surprising number of competitions, rips his shirt off too much, and thinks he's a puppet master in the game. He needs to spend a little time in the vulnerability box (which sadly has no mirrors for him to adore).

Alec Baldwin Is My Hero

I would just like to take this opportunity to blog a little about the man that I hope to marry one day. That man is none other than the amazingly talented Alec Baldwin! So intense, so full of rage, so well-endowed with chest hair. This guy is everything a girl could want wrapped into one foul-mouthed and arrogant package. His performance in Malice is what inspired me to go into medicine. Here's to you, Alec Baldwin, you sexy beast of a man, you!

Personally, I found his voicemail to his daughter witty and well, heck, I'll say it...just plain funny. What's more, he's right! I mean, he puts his day on hold to make sure that he can make a call to his daughter to get in some quality bonding time over the phone, and she can't even be bothered to answer. I know I hate it when people ignore my calls. In fact, I've been known to throw the "rude little pig" thing around myself from time to time.

At this point I was going to tell you about how the manufacturing of my brain-child, the Alec Baldwin action figure is going, but unfortunately I'm having a little trouble getting this project off the ground. So instead I will treat you to a little taste of Alec. Enjoy!



By the way, I have memorized this quote and plan to use it while I'm doing my medical internship every time someone second-guesses me. Or says anything. Or looks at me the wrong way.

Rory's Reading List

Here it is, for all of you die-hard Gilmore Girls fans..(and you'd have to be pretty die-hard since Gilmore Girls has been off the air for some time now)...Rory's reading list!!!

Yes, now you too can be a bookworm of gargantuan proportions. I found this list on the WB Gilmore Girls page and thought it would be cool to read every book that the character of Rory had purportedly read. A few years later, I'm still working on it. In my defense, it's a really long list!

• The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham

• A Passage to India by E.M. Forster

• Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

• Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton

• Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

• Speak, Memory by Vladimir Nabokov

• The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco

• David Copperfield by Charles Dickens

• The Lottery: And Other Stories by Shirley Jackson

• Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

• Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of Julia De Burgos by Julia De Burgos

• The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

• Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray

• Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

• The Picture Of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

• Night by Elie Wiesel

• The Code of the Woosters by P. G. Wodehouse

• Hamlet by William Shakespeare

• Complete Tales & Poems by Edgar Allan Poe

• Beloved by Toni Morrison

• A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

• A Separate Peace by John Knowles

• Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw

• Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

• The Story of My Life by Helen Keller

• The Awakening by Kate Chopin

• Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

• Time and Again by Jack Finney

• Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

• The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

• Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe

• Sybil by Flora Schreiber

• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

• Cousin Bette by Honore De Balzac

• Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

• Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut

• The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

• The Jungle by Upton Sinclair

• Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

• Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

• The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo

• 1984 by George Orwell

• The Portable Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

• The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

• An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser

• Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller

• Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

• Lord of the Flies by William Golding

• The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

• Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

• The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner

• The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

• Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

• Emma by Jane Austen

• On The Road by Jack Kerouac

• The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

I'm So Excited!

I never thought it would happen to me! I'm just sitting at home, minding my own business, plotting evil and eating chocolate as usual, when my beloved sister gives me a call and asks if I would like to be a regular contributor to her blog. I was stunned!

For months now I have been reading her blog religiously and complaining loudly whenever there was a gap between posts. Now I'm allowed to post! Yippee! It's like being cast on your very favorite t.v. show. I'm very excited! But also kind of nervous. I mean, what if you guys hate me? What if I'm like cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch? She brings me in to help and I bring the whole show crashing down?

I vow to you right now, Woolly fans, that I will do everything I can to one-up my brilliant and hilarious sister. Only time will tell if I can live up to the Woolly name. So...much...pressure...

So to celebrate my new frenzied trepidation, a treat. I think this clip from a much beloved TV show...well, it just says it all.

It's a Girl!

Well, woolly readers, you read it here first. I've recruited another agent of evil to help keep this blog churning out milk curdling humor day in and day out. I'd like to give a warm, gooey Woolly the Blog welcome to my sister, Meri the Strange!

She's just like a clone of me, folks. Except maybe a little more....edgy. Twisted. Goofy. Yes, all the good things you look for in a humorous blog writer.

And in case you're an Askviller who's come to visit and are taken aback by this newcomer, rest assured that she's also one of us. Much like Pensive Katie (who can be found on Askville as PenguinSage), Meri the Strange can also be found on Askville (as CopperBoom). I will send all of my rotted daisies in a brown paper bag to the first person to guess where Copper Boom comes from! The contest begins.....n-....now!

So I hope you'll all join me in excitedly anticipating what "eccentricities" Meri the Strange will post about next. Just remember, you still like Pensive Kate better no matter what (right???).

Big Brother 10: Memphis and His Many Hats

First off I have to say that Jesse's pretentiousness is even more hilarious in Black & White. Oh Yeah, I'm Dave and I'm filling in for the Woolly Master, she has solitaire eyes tonight. Don't ask.

So I love it when the head of household thinks that all the sucking up people do when they have power has anything to do with long term alliances. Wait, was Jesse getting his toenails painted by Michelle? I guess he needed to look good when he takes himself out on a date later.

EPISODE RECAP:

Veto Competition -
Please let Jesse speak in a horrible French accent again, no, well at least they get Jerry with his “Night after a death metal concert” laryngitis. But hey he is a self proclaimed potential tv show host.

This competition involves putting various license plates together to make a phrase out of the letters. The second someone buzzes in a drape falls over the choices. Ut-oh they have to remember three things for a couple seconds. This challenge is too much for most of them so the game only lasts a couple rounds.

Near the end they are given a chance to answer one puzzle in exchange for a slop pass, no one takes it, forcing Jerry to continue to wheeze like a dying walrus.

Michelle wins a competition that the props guys put way more effort into than the players did.


Battles Royale-
While this season has no knives to the throat or naked parties yet the scheming is running wild.

After being nominated Dan has done his best mole impression and basically tried to hide in the diary room all episode. We get it Dan you are trying to not be a threat.

Keesha accuses everyone of thinking she is aligned with Steven(which she is). This impresses Jesse and Memphis enough to take her upstairs to the HOH bedroom. I leave the potential joke up the readers ...

Out of the blue, Jerry calls out Libra for calling him and Renny old and slow. I have no idea why that is surprising or why it makes Jerry mad but the best part is Libra flips out claiming she didn't say it. Renny gets sucked in and Jerry throws some dying walrus f-bombs and I am happy. I have no idea why this fight happened but that's why I love big brother.

Keesha and Steven convince Jesse that that Libra needs to go on the block because she is causing drama. Jesse buys this even though it was the same dumb reason he was put up last week. He tries to persuade Michelle.

Veto Ceremony-
Blah blah blah speech speech speech, no one cares. Although Dan calls the veto symbol a medallion a couple of times so he has that going for him.

Michelle does not use the veto because she seems to think that alleviate her of responsibility/blame. This once again proves Jesse inability to control the anyone's game even his own. His only hope will be to win every competition from here on out which unfortunately he might do.

Steven is pissed he is still on the block but he got to have a heart to heart with Renny about how they lived through hurricane Katrina. I am sure this is why the casting people picked a gay cowboy... oh wait.

Bonus points to any commenter who can name the three distinctive hats Memphis wore tonight.

Thank You For Being a Friend

Rest in Peace

Estelle Getty

1923-2008

Big Brother 10: "Can't Even Get All 18 Inches of That In the Camera"

I promise to try not and harp too much on how much I loathe Jessie and his tiny little pin head. Or his smuggy smugness. Wait, I've already gone and broken my vow. Crap. Well, I can't much help it, can I? This sunday's episode was called "Jessie's Muscle Magic" starring Jessie. There's just nothing else to talk about, people! Let's all hope things pick up more in up-coming episodes.

EPISODE RECAP:

Last Episode's Eviction -
Brian's out because he cheesed off pretty much everyone in the house by overplaying the game. The lone vote to keep him was Dan. Not because Dan's such an "honorable" man as he claims, but because there was nothing in it for Dan to vote otherwise. Ten bucks and the last Twinkie says that Dan would've flipped on Brian in a heartbeat if he'd been cornered in the bathroom by a pack of wild women.

HOH Competition -
Jessie wins. There's a ping in my brain and my right side goes cold. This once again proves that these "what would the other guests vote" survey competitions are absurd and boring. But this competition does create a very interesting division in the house. In one corner we have the pro-Brian clique staring at the feet sullenly after Jessie's victory: Angie, Steven, Renny, and Dan.

In the other corner we have the power clique that rub Jessie's muscles and tell him how strong and smart he is: Libra, Michelle, Ollie, April, Memphis, Keesha, and Jerry. They even let Jessie win at games of "chest" (as he calls it). And they compliment his back fat all the time, because as Jessie reminds them, "You all know exactly what my back looks like, right?"

Jessie and Jessie's HOH room -
Jessie can now make sweet, sweet love to himself. His room is stocked with all the porn he needs - muscle shots of himself on every wall. Those poor bastahd housemates of his are stuck in there listening to him talk about his back fat, muscle mass, and "all 18 inches" that apparently the camera can't "get". Gross. Steven is the only lucky duck who was lying down with a headache when the group moved up to Muscle Palace. And Jessie is mad. Smassshhh. How dare he disrespect Jessie's muscles this way by not seeing his HOH room! Dude.

Food Competition -
There's a French wine theme where "red wine" (read: Cherry Kool-aid) pours into two large wine vats on platforms - one for each team. The wine vats are full of holes that two teammates on each side must plug with corks tossed to them by teammates on the ground. To earn points, the opposite team collects the wine that trickles through the uncorked holes in the wine barrel. The team who collects the most wine wins. Phew! That was unnecessarily convoluted, but I could see myself creating that game after my second bottle of Pinot, so fair enough, producers. The randomly divided teams don't even need to play this out. All of the old and slow people are on one team, the young and strong people are on the other. Guess who wins? This means that Libra, Keesha, Renny, April, Memphis, and Jerry are all on slop. Again.

Nominations -
Steven and Dan go on the block. Dan because he sided with Brian. Steven because he disses the Muscle Palace and didn't pay his respects at the gun show. The best part is that Jessie really, really, really, really wanted Renny out. So much he kept screaming into a pillow and kicking his legs about it. But the housemates wouldn't let him put her up for strategic reasons (you hear that, Jessie? Stra-te-gy. Look it up.). Haha, he's still not in control, even when he's HOH. What a tool.

Big Brother 10: Go Home, Jessie, Go Home

I don't want to get your hopes all atwitter that I'll be able to post after every single BB episode this season - I may have to combine some recaps. But for once, this season is so juicy right off the bat, that I couldn't resist doing another recap tonight.

EPISODE RECAP:

Brian and the House -
Brian goes all puppetmaster on the house and decides to strike bargains with/strong arm every player in the house who's not in his alliance or on the block. Whoa, dude. You're comin' on a little strong here. You don't just take a lady to dinner and stick your hand down her shirt as soon as the soup's served. You have to have a little finesse. Same thing with bullying houseguests. The season's only a couple days old, just sit back and let a few chips fall before you lay down your hand.

Ollie and April -
A showmance is already in bloom. The blonde bimbo and the ex-virgin. Oh, Ollie you're so transparent, almost as much so as April's bikini. But, oops! You're in a "top-secret" man-power alliance. I hope your boobie buddy doesn't find out about this.

Veto Competition -
The players have to swim through a pit of honey while wearing pajamas in order to tear apart feather pillows, and then swim through more honey. Something about whoever retrieves some teddy bears the fastest wins. But who really knows, because this entire stunt was written by a horny intern who thought the best idea in the world would be to dress the already buxom boobalicious women in nighties, soak them in honey, and then get them to take part in what resembles a naughty pillow fight. Followed by more soaking in honey. The cameramen are clearly down for this, as we get many glistening, bouncing shots of boobies.

Oh yeah, the competition you ask? Pinhead Jessie won. And then tore his shirt off. Gross. No one wanted to see that. Why won't you just go home already?

Ollie and the Women -
The 3-man alliance has been careless. They remind me of the type of guys who'd knock over a liquor store, but video tape the whole thing, and then go to school the next day and tell all their friends about it and pass the tape around school. And then post it on YouTube. Subtle, guys. Real subtle. Ollie's the one who gets his minerals caught in a vise for this first. The women snare him in a web and sic April on him to tear him to shreds for not revealing his alliance. Ollie senses danger and immediately flips on his alliance, and agrees to side with the women. Which actually is pretty smart. He earns definite power player points in my book.

Jerry and the House -
The whole house, minus the sausage alliance, waits outside Jerry's HOH door to jump him as soon as he heads into his room. They all let him know that Brian needs to go up as the veto replacement since he's been playing people too much, too hard, too early in the game. I'm so proud of these guys I could plotz. After 9 seasons, FINALLY, one cast has learned how to play the game. This is great!

Veto Ceremony -
Jessie takes himself off the block, and thankfully doesn't tear any clothing from his body or flex his muscles the whole way through. A first for him. Really. Jerry announces he's putting Brian on the block. Dan (Brian's alliance partner) looks like he pooped his pants. Everyone is happy, but Jerry, who keeps babbling about letting down the Marines. Does he know what the Marines are? What they do? Does he know that the other people in the house aren't Marines? That the producers aren't Marines? Because I'm really starting to think that he thinks everyone who pressures him is anti-Marine, and therefore a friend of Hitler. The lights are on at Jerry's house, but no one's home.

Big Brother 10: "Shut up, Memphis, I already hate you"

Hooray! Summer has officially begun now that Chen-a-tron has loosed some vain losers on a small house-like tv studio set. Right off the bat, my impression is that we've got a good cast here. I'm already not feeling nearly as dirty as I did after the premier of BB9 (I showered and showered, but couldn't get clean). For once I really do see some interesting contrasts - and I don't see clearly how this one will play out. Suspense! Thank goodness. Right away, my least favorite player is Memphis, who I already told to "shut up" at least seven times in this one episode. At the head of my kick-ass list is Libra. She's a young mom, she's a liberal living in red city, and she's smart enough to keep her head down. So she's basically what I imagine Alternate-Universe Katie would be like in the house.

EPISODE RECAP:

Home Invasion -
Houseguests enter without much kerfuffle, otherthan Chen-a-tron forcing them to cast ballots for the first HOH. Yawn. The producers have clearly set this up for an easy Jerry win. I mean, really. Who else are they going to vote for?

Food/Car Competition -
In a potentially awesomely violent and bloody game, houseguests are forced to hop into upside-down VW Bugs suspended along a track, and then pull themselves back and forth across the yard, dumping a passenger out each lap (oh, and some lame thing about grabbing a gas can. Who cares?). The fastest team wins food priveleges (the other team goes on slop for the week). And the last player in the winning Bug wins a classic car - two of which are parked on the set for him (or her...it coulda been a her) to choose from.

All the women are out first. I'm embarrassed for my sex. Although really, who wants the hassle, cost, and maintenance of a broke-down, used-up auto that won't fit a car seat and doesn't even have seat belts? I see cinder blocks in those cars' futures.

Memphis turns rabbid and childish and forces everyone out of the Bug without looking down to see who he's stepping on. His team wins the food, and he picks the green muscle car from the late 60s. Ditzy April laments that her team losing is a tragedy because Ol' Jerry is so old and frail. Surely slop must kill him? Oh, and Memphis? You're a BARTENDER. Just get over yourself, dude.

First Night -
Renny (maybe a little drunk?) walks into the room of sleeping pansies, and turns on the lights. Then politely shuts them off again. The not-so-politely starts to make chipmunk noises and holla' that the bedroom door has been locked and they're all trapped. More chipmunk noises. Jessie tries to pet his muscles and tell them to go back to sleep. But they're all up now, and they want raw eggs. So he gets up, and goes to sit in the bathroom, lying in wait for Renny to get caught in the Jessie web. She walks in, he bitches. "I'm up. No you don't get it. I'm UP." Nice one, meat head. Label yourself as the whiny party poop the first night. Because picking a fight with someone right off the bat has never landed anyone on the block. Just ask Sheila and Adam.

Nominations -
Jerry is (yawn) head of household, and his HOH room has sweet photos, nice robe, blah, blah, blah. He has hyenas like Brian nipping at his heels for info and alliances. So now it's Jerry and Brian in some sort of May-December alliance. Which Brian's other alliance with Dan and Ollie might get jealous about. The May-Decembers decide to nominate Jessie and Renny after the (surprise!) big fight they had the night before. By the way, did you notice that Jessie was flexing his muscles all the way through the Nomination Ceremony? Really. Rewinding it on Tivo repeatedly is good fun.

Biggest Surprise of the Night -
No one cried! Huh.

Big Brother Alert!

Hey all you tv nutters, here is your official heads up to set the Tivo, because Big Brother 10 starts in just 3 days!

Oh com'on now. Don't deny it. You watch Big Brother. We all do. And even though we rarely admit it, it's really the only thing half-way worth watching in mid-summer. So just get all dirty and germy now, sleaze up in a dirty hot tub with a thong, and get over it.

In the great tradition of my "Lost Thoughts" recaps, I will be posting (humorous?) recaps and thoughts about Big Brother 10's happenings at least once a week - maybe more.

Now, to keep you satiated until the mouth-watering moment that the Chen-Bot and her wall of hair give the housemates the green light to run like summer camp kids and grab their bunks, I have a couple videos for you.

The first is of the new house look (which I lurve - hooray for kitsch!).

And the second is of the new houseguests introducing themselves (shall we put money on which of the women are totally lying about their ages??)

A few things that I noticed of interest:

• Thanks, Dan. This is probably the earliest I've ever hated a reality show contestant. Way to go.


• All the contestants are strangers! Woohoo!


• Jessie: Biggg guy with a littttle heaadddd, biggg guy with a littttle heaaaddd.


• Having an old guy is only cool on paper. Now I have to spend half the season cringing during competitions that he's gong to have a heart attack.


• Right off the bat, I'm rooting for Renny and Libra. But don't quote me on that. When they end up bleating at us like constipated goats for the whole season, I don't want this thrown in my face!

Ok everybody, remember to tune in:

Date: Sunday, June 13

Time: 8:00pm

Channel: CBS

Rockstar Pug

Since the dawn of Pixie Stix, there has never been a time that I have been so proud. Eh, I got married. Eh, I had a baby. Eh, I have an incredible life. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

All shadows of happiness compared to my excitement over my puggy dog becoming famous! He is now currently appearing on the front page of http://www.tvgasm.com/! Go. Go see for yourself and bask in his awesomeness.

Oh carp. (yes, it's intentionally misspelled.) If this post is more than one day old, his fleeting fame will have fled. So you'll have to bask in his wonderment from this photo of the tvgasm homepage, seen here:

Long story short, I won a photo contest today in which I had to find something around the house resembling the #6, take a photo, and email it in. It's all to help countdown the number of days left until the Big Brother premier. Wahoo! I won, I won!

I'm a weiner!

The Tears of a Clown

Sad. Bozo the Clown died yesterday. Turns out he was 83 years old. That's pretty old in clown years. That's like 200 or something.

Anyway, Bozo (aka Larry Harmon....who knew Bozo was a Larry? I mean com'on, Larry?) passed away from congestive heart failure. And all of a sudden a thousand Krusty the Klown pacemaker and microwave jokes are filling my head. No, no. Must push those away. I can't do it to Bozo.

In other news, today, July 4th, a new clown will take over (I just couldn't use the fill his floppy shoes pun) the reign as Grand High Priest of the Order of Clowns.

Kiddies, meet Bobbo the Clown!

The Powerful Katie Will Now Use Her Powers of Brain Control

Because my sister complains so much about too few posts on this site, you have now all incurred the wrath of the Great and Powerful Katie. As your punishment, I will now get a song stuck in your head that will drive you bonkers for at least 24 hours.

(you have to actually click and watch the video below for the Great Katie's powers to take effect. Click. Now. The Katie commands you!)

You Complete Me.

Hey folks, not to worry. Fearless leader here is still around and hunting for woolly items to tantalize you. But what with Tyra not publicly pooping her pants lately, and no major celebrity rehab incidents, pickins are slim.

Plus this baby thing keeps following me around. Demanding food. Demanding play. Demanding a new diaper.

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry that the posts have been at a trickle as of late. But if you like, I have about 9,000 other excuses just waiting in the hopper in case the ones above don't work for you.

As always guys, thanks for reading.

The Nerd in Me

Oh how sweet it is. Acrhaeologists have long debated the existence of an ancient mythological creature - the nerd. And now, finally, science has proof that us dorks have roots that go as far back as Ancient Rome.

Behold, a D-20 (or for you normal types, a 20-sided di, commonly used to play to play D&D - or Dungeons & Dragons). Our heritage is deep and strong, and our nerd veins flow with the blood of royalty.

Reports say that it is "unclear" what games this di was used for. But I think we all know. Even if science is trying to deny it. You know that Marcus Aurelius used this very di to cast Magic Missile.

And if you know what I mean by that, you rock.

Alexander Hamilton Hates Aaron Burr

I know it's a little early for your 4th of July present, but since the idgets in my neighborhood think it's time for fireworks already, I might as well let Uncle Sam drop this down your chimney.

Here, my friends, is a drunken history lesson*. Really. Starring Juno's Michael Cera.

*I've become aware that this video isn't always playing as it should. Stupid not-YouTube people. If you can't view it above, go to this link to see it directly:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/68f23e244b

Now if only they could capture that kind of magic in a bottle for network television, then we'd have something real to consider at Emmy time. I wonder if PBS has heard about these guys. Faboo.

The Amazing Sleep-Standing Baby!

I have a secret to tell you. This isn't the first blog post I've done about this. I've been cheating on you. I already posted this on my other blog, http://www.woollymom.com/. I'm sorry. I never take you out to dinner or tell you how pretty you are anymore. And that's my fault.

But I have to share this with you anyway. I adore my crazy baby girl who refuses to nap unless absoultely forced - except on boats, apparently.

For Father's Day we went out on my Father-in-Law's pontoon boat and spent some time cruising around the lake. My baby girl loved it for the first trip - sticking her tongue out and licking the wind. Then the second time out, she was past her naptime so I knew she might get sleepy.

I just had no idea when my husband leaned her up against the armrest on the boat, that the second the boat engine started, she'd be out. And I mean OUT.

While standing up.

Seriously, she is sound asleep in both of these pics

Eventually we tipped her over so she slept on her back for the rest of the trip. And she never noticed she had moved. If only I could learn to sleep like that!

At Least He Didn't Have to Eat Octopus

Most of Michigan is still celebrating the Red Wings' Stanley Cup championship. And just in case it wasn't sweet enough, here is the result of a bet placed between Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, and Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (whose Penguins were matched against the Wings in the Stanley Cup finals).

We see Governor Rendell enjoying a (popular Michigan mainstay) Faygo Rock-and-Rye pop, a comfy Wings jersey, and posing with a Wings bumper sticker and some Kowalski sausages. All straight from Michigan with love.

I'm Fixin' To Win Me Some Goodies!

If there's anything I love in this world almost as much as free swag, it's contests that give away amazing prizes.

So I have to bring this one contest to your attention. It's being hosted by John Chow, of the amazing www.johnchow.com. The prizes include:

• golf shirts
• t-shirts
• flip video camera
• $200 Amex Rwards card
• USB drive that is also a pen
• iPod Nano

All of these goodies - of which I would be THRILLED to win (you hear me, guys?) - are sponsored by the peeps over at http://www.marketleverage.com/.

If you'd like to enter, just head on over to this link at John Chow's site:

http://www.johnchow.com/win-a-market-leverage-bag-of-stuff/

Just read all about the contest, post a comment, and you're entered! Good luck to all of you woolly readers. I hope one of us wins (especially me!).

Something New For You

Phew! It's been a crazy couple of weeks. In case you're wondering why your favorite blogger has been a bit distracted - it's not scurvy or rickets (as you may have guessed).

Instead, I'm in the process of launching a new blog, a little sister for this blog. It is called:

www.woollymom.com

and it's a great blog about my daily ramblings and revelations as a frazzled mom, trying to figure out this whole parenting thing.

If you're a parent - especially a new one - stop on by and see how a little bit of sass and humor might just help us all figure out how to raise our kids right. I'd really appreciate your visit and your comments. I'll see you there.

Rest easy though, this blog is still very near and dear to my heart. And it's not going anywhere. So sit back and enjoy the really disturbing videos, products, and images I bring to you next!

Shun the Non-Believer

There are times when I'm really at a loss for words over something I've seen on the Internet. That's where I'm at right now. I just saw one messed-up video. Messed up as in, I wonder if I've been drinking and forgot about it. Yeah, that kind of messed up. So here it is. A real viewing experience - Charlie the Unicorn.

No matter what you think it's going to be like, it's not.

I think I like this video. A lot. But I'm really not sure.

If you have any distinct emotions - one way or another - about this film, please leave a comment on this post. Oh, and thanks to my friend over at http://www.webmastersedge.net/ for warping my mind with this brilliance.

Hey-ey Hockeytown!

Hooray for the 2008 Stanley Cup Champions - the Detroit Red Wings!

My hometown boys did a phenomenal job this season (just as long as I promised to not watch any of the games....it turns out I'm a jinx). They clinched their Stanley Cup win on Wednesday night in a match against the Pittsburgh Penguins.

But that's not the real story, here. At least, it's not the real funny story here.

You see, my Wings love to par-tay. More than once in the past couple days, I've seen them take the microphones away from local reporters interviewing them, just so they could drunkenly start slurring sweet nothings to a chuckling tv audience.

And that's all before they headed off to celebrate at Cheli's Chili in downtown Detroit - a local restaurant/bar owned by Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios. Once at the restaurant, my wonderfully drunk hockey heroes ascended to the roof of the restaurant - and in the act of events still unexplained - they accidentally dropped the Stanley Cup off of the roof of the building. Way to go, guys!

Apparently the cup handler had to be called in for emergency repairs to a sizable dent in the side of the cup. Worry not, though; the cup has been repaired and is (almost) good as new.

I don't think I could be any prouder of those guys if I tried.

Ready to bug out your eyes at a picture?

Then take a look at this unbelievable photo:

This was taken as a car smashes into a group of bicyclists participating in a race in Matamoros, Mexico on Sunday.

Boy, I would tally that up to be about 1,590 "points". But then I found out that one person was killed in the "accident", so that would probably be pretty inappropriate. Wouldn't it?

What a Week! Recap

Boy, I've sure been missing the boat on posts lately. But so much to do, so much to see - I've got to learn to take more time and blog about the roses. So since this week has been a terrifying fun cavalcade of insanity, I thought I'd recap it neatly for you in one post:

Day One - Trees come down in my yard. It's like some kind of testosterone-packed chainsaw massacre that laid waste to my yard, in every positive way possible. I cheered heartily - especially when the giant Ash tree toppled like a mighty giant. Sometimes nothing puts you in a better mood than carnal destruction!

Day Two - Found places in my yard to stuff 28 wheelbarrow loads of wood chips like Mr. Bean spitting steak tartar down a violinist's pants.

Day Three - Saw picture of these men, and nearly choked on my Twizzler Bits:
Yes, they're wearing thongs on their faces during a robbery in Colorado. Nice going, rednecks!

Day Four - Realized my flats of marigolds died before I could plant them, all because I got distracted, decided I needed to inflate my pancakey basketball, spent all night looking for the pump, and then remembered that I don't like playing basketball anymore. It's too "movey".

Day Five - Still high from the Lost finale, went out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse, and had more than a few Wallaby Darneds, compliments of the bastahds at Hanson's Windows.

Also, Rachael Ray apparently wears a scarf that has little hidden subliminal swastikas sewn into the fabric...or something like that. Fox News chick is angry and yelling racist things. I tuned out.

Day Six - Lost badly at Mario Kart. Stupid tequila.

Day Seven - Bought a ginkgo tree which I pray will grow to look a little like the Baobabs in "The Little Prince".

And Kelsey Grammer has a heart attack. So I'm forced to repeatedly watch the video of him falling off that stage over and over. Still funny. But probably not good for his heart.

Lost Thoughts: There's No Place Like Home, Parts 2 & 3

As far as finales go, that was pretty damn satisfying. We got answers - BIG answers, and we got to see the path that next season is going to take. At the same time, the writers were able to bring a lot of central (and beloved) themes full circle. This was a smart episode. Here's a big-time rundown of everything I noticed:

Two Times the Kate Magic-
In what was a bold and climactic move by writers, Kate manages to get herself double captured in this finale. Double captured! First by the Others, and then at the same time by Keamy's men. Ok, so the second was voluntary in order to free Ben. But it still counts in the roll-call of times Kate has been captured/set off a trap in this entire show (I'll have a formal count for you by next season).

Cavalry of Whispers -
It was brilliant. Within the first five minutes of the episode, the viewer and the Losties came completely full-circle as Keamy and his men hear whispers in the jungle just before the surrounding ambush attacks. There was a time when this was very creepy and disturbing to the viewer. Now we (and the Losties) are on the other side of the figurative fence. And I don't know about you, but I started cheering the second I could hear the whispers. I knew it meant the cavalry was on its way! What a difference a few seasons make.

Fight Club -
When Sayid tackled Keamy from the brush, I don't know that I've cheered louder. And then the fight that ensued was the stuff dreams are made of. The Iraqi ex-soldier who can kill a man with his ankles vs. one really pissed off and indestructible GI Joe. Great choreography. And another very symbolic blending of the Losties with the Others. That Sayid would fight for the Others' cause to his death speaks volumes about how much the tables have turned.

Jack, Meet the New Ben -
Meanwhile elsewhere in the jungle, other themes are coming full circle as Locke is demonstrating how much he has learned in the art of subtle manipulation from Ben. He's getting into Jack's mind.

"There's No Such Thing as Miracles" -
Jack, I thought you were only there to rescue Hurley and leave? But no. You stay and listen to Locke. You let him get in your head about how you're "not supposed to go home". And then you listen closely as he puts the worm in your ear that it will eat you from the inside out if you leave (the guilt, not the worm). And then he convinces you to pull off a massive public cover-up. Awesome.

"Couldn't Find the Anthuriums, Could You?" -
After the satisfying rumble in the jungle, and the game of mind twisting with Jack, it's time to get back down to business: The Orchid. Once we acknowledge Ben's lackluster botanical breadth of knowledge, it's time to take an elevator ride. And I started actually tingling. How did the Dharma Initiative discover and build this deeply underground hatch anyway? I'm guessing that's a pretty end-game question, unfortunately.

Where's the Popcorn? -
As soon as a tired and impatient Ben pulled out the orientation film I stood and cheered. Thank the lawdy! Yes, another film. I don't know how the writers possibly justified writing this in, but I'm glad they did! Hellllo Nurse!

"I'm Edgar Halowax" -
Interesting that Marvin Candle introduces himself as Edgar Halowax in the Orchid video. Which is his real name? I'm guessing Halowax, since that's what they embroidered on his Orchid parka (that Ben puts on). Why was Halowax/Candle (what, will his next name be Wickman?) spending enough time down in the Orchid's vault to need a personalized parka?

Not the Magic Box...-
...but it's pretty damn close. Technically the Orchid has a box. And I'd call it pretty magical. "The Vault" is defined as being exposed to "negatively charged exotic matter", and that "no inorganic energy must go into the chamber". Or metals. So it's like a big effed-up microwave. And Ben's got a big-ass fork to stick in it.

Avon Calling! -
Ugh, really? You're going to make the super-human bad guy show up again? Ok, let's get this over with. Keamy, come on down here, say the most offensive things you can, inform us of your plot device strapped to your arm (which, by the way is actually a metronome - awesome job, prop guys!). And just as you finish furthering the plot, Ben will jump out and kill you in a way that is visceral, but slowww, ya know, for the sake of the plot. Ok, great. Now that's taken care of, let's move on.

Last Ferry of the Night -
Daniel's high-tailing it off the Island with a few more 815ers, and begs his fellow Boaters to come with him. Miles serenely declines and convinces Bitchy not to go either. "I'm surprised you want to leave after all that time trying to get back here!" Okay, that may be the biggest "Whaaa?" moment of the night. Charlotte's still looking for her birthplace? On the Island? What the heck does this all mean? Well, at least that we'll be seeing a lot more of the Boaters next season. Drat!

Up, Up, and Away -
Not too far from Keamy's last stand, Hurley, Sawyer, Kate, Jack, Sayid, and Aaron are boarding the helicopter for the boat. Nice that they don't stop at the beach to try and load the most deserving people on it first, huh? There go our heroes, taking their shot while they can. I'm not saying I blame them.

Selfless -
Sawyer may be one of the few true heroes on this show (Jack and Kate certainly not among them). When the chopper desperately needs to lose a couple hundred more pounds to make it to the boat, Sawyer says goodbye to Kate and jumps. Now, maybe he could've asked Frank to lower the chopper a little first. But, nah. You know what? He's fine. Because he's Sawyer. And the Island still has plans for him.

Fuel -
Phew! They barely made it to that freighter that's about to explode with fuel spilling out behind them. But of course they made it. The Island still needed them to make it. Little did they know that they probably could've flown for hours on the Island's dime if it kept them on their path to help the Island.

Dyn-o-mite! -
Back on the boat, things aren't looking any better than last episode. The mountain of C-4 explosive is intricately wired with a remote trigger and no hope of disconnection. There's only one chance! Their conveniently handy tank of liquid nitrogen! Why was the boat stocked with liquid nitrogen? Big wart problems?

Keepin' It Cool -
Michael is doing his damndest to buy some time before the big bang. And at least Desmond's smart enough to get his arse out of there. What the blazing hell was Jin doing staying behind like that? He's going to be a papa? How was he helping? Oh, Jin.

The Second Toughest Scene In Lost's History -
Only Charlie's death has choked me up as much as Jin's death. Alex's death was plenty hard too, but at least it was fast. Not like watching Jin scream for his wife and beg for them to come back. That was haunting. That'll be hard to take on repeat viewings. But could Jin have maybe survived? Just maybe?

Your Service Has Ended -
It was poetic. "You can go now, Michael."

Frozen Donkey Wheel -
Unaware of the boat explosion off the coast of the Island, Ben is in Halowax's parka and climbing through the microwave's blast hole into a (more) underground tunnel with ladder, arctic climate, and a big-ass frozen wheel. This wasn't the first time the tunnel had been used, so did they always have to blow open the back of the Vault? And then repair it each time?

I'd Like to Spin the Wheel, Pat -
Ben manages to turn the wheel of doom, and begins the frightening process of moving the Island. The sky turns violet again, the humming begins, and then the Island is sucked into the ocean, presumably to turn up elsewhere undisturbed. Is this the first time we've seen the Island move? Is this also what happened when Desmond turned the failsafe key in the Swan Hatch? And is that how the Boaters were suddenly able to track down the Island? Because it moved to a more accessible spot?

Timewarp -
By turning the wheel, Ben is presumably time/space travels to the Sahara Desert in October, 2005 (from December 30, 2004 - the date that Ben turned the wheel).

Left Behind -
The Island left a few people behind - our Losties floating in their rescue raft after their helicopter plummets to the ocean. And another raft of people - Daniel's last batch of people heading for the boat. What happened to them? Maybe they got caught in the boat explosion. If not, where were they that Pen's boat didn't find them?

Rescue, At Last -
Penn's boat arrives just on time to pick up the rattled helicopter/airliner crash survivors. Anyone else notice the eerily similar of the appearance of Penn's boat to the Others' boat that snagged Walt from the raft in Season One?

Finally, a Happy Moment -
In a real downer of a finale, at least we could happily sigh for a brief moment. Penn and Des together again and never going to leave each other. Until...well, Desmond's one of the ones that has to go back. How will he ever leave Penn again?

Traveling Man -
Let's take a trip to the future, where Jeremy Bentham is a busy man. He's visiting Walt to reveal the Six's lies. Then he's visiting Jack, Kate, and presumably the other survivors. On the pro-Bentham team we have:
Sayid
Walt
Hurley
Ben

On the anti-Bentham team we have:
Sun
Kate

And then of course there's Jack, who can't decide who to trust, believe, or have faith in.

The Island's Calling -
Literally, the Island called Future Kate one night in its campaign to bring the Six back to the Island. Does the Island have to travel by phone? On the line all she heard was the whispers, only to find Claire standing over Aaron and issuing the warning not to bring him back. I don't know Claire, I think it's too late. He's already being raised by another. So why is the Island contradicting itself? If it wants all of the Six back, why is Claire saying this? Doesn't she work in service of the Island?

Bentham's Been Compromised -
Future Sayid makes a very important visit to Hurley in a scene that's sure to be underrated for its importance. He lets Hurley know that Bentham is dead - and not by suicide as alleged. And that means Hurley and the rest are in danger. He's already killed a man staking out Hurley's hospital. I'm thinking this dangerous pursuit is what will finally convince everyone to go back to the Island as it commands. In any event, still fascinating to hear that Hurley's seeing other Island spirits - including Mr. Eko who apparently likes to play chess. Poorly.

And the Man in the Coffin Is...-
Jeremy Bentham....who is...John Locke! Looking surprisingly dead for an actor on a tv show, I must say. So Locke was prancing around the mainland trying to rally the troops and got himself killed. It was a sacrifice the Island demanded.

They're All in Big, Big Trouble -
They've got more to worry about than just the average inept Widmore hitman, now. It seems that Sun still holds a grudge with Ben for the death of Jin. And she is on powerfully scorned woman. We'll have to watch and see how far she'll go to get her revenge, with the help of Papa Widmore. I wouldn't ever want to be on the wrong side of Sun.

BEST LINES OF THE EPISODE:

"I'm sorry I made your life so miserable." -Benjamin Linus saying goodbye to John Locke

"Checkmate, Mr. Eko." -Hurley to an invisible chess opponent

"If you mean the time traveling bunnies, then yes." -Benjamin Linus confirming the Island's oddities

THINGS YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED:

• If you play back whispers calling Future Kate on the phone backwards, they are saying "The Island needs you. You have to go back before it's too late."


• There was an ad during the last commercial break for Octagon Global Recruiting. This is an ad for a Dharma Initiative recruiting seminar to be held at...none other than ComicCon 2008 (man, I wish I could be there!).


• Penn's boat's name is "The Searcher"


• The producers' code name for the secret scene with Ben turning the frozen wheel was "Frozen Donkey Wheel".


• When the Six part from Penn's boat, Jack tells Des that he'll "see him in another life, brutha". (Ok, this time he left off the "brutha" part.) This parallels multiple instances where Des has said this to Jack.


• The producers filmed two alternate endings to the episode to prevent media leaks. Here is the video showing the other two endings: