The Empire Strikes Back

There's a news story I'd like to share with you all. It's a cautionary tale of boxed wine and religious persecution.

It all started in a galaxy far, far away (in Holyhead, Wales actually). There lived two brave visionary 18 year-old cousins named Barney and Michael Jones - you may call them Master Jonba Hehol and Master Mormi Hehol. Yes, my friends, for they are Jedi masters. Really. Self-proclaimed Jedi masters who have founded their own Jedi church to spiritually guide 30 very confused adults on how to use the Force to better their lives. I'm not kidding. They really did this.

At first all was peaceful in the universe for Master Jonba and Master Mormi. Until March. That's when the dark side struck back.

A 27 year-old man named Arwel Hughes pulled on a black garbage bag and a cape, and stormed into their church dressed as Darth Vader. (I can't make this stuff up, people.) After entering the church, Darth yelled "Darth Vader! Jedis!" and then swung at Master Jonba with a crutch, hitting him on the head and then whacking Master Mormi in the thigh.

When questioned by the authorities later on, Darth Hughes said he had no memory of the incident, having drunk almost 2.5 gallons of boxed wine right before the attack. Darth's lawyer had this to say:

"He knows his behavior is wrong and didn't want it to happen, but he has no recollection of it."

Man, I hate when that happens to me. One minute I sitting in my closet with a giant box of wine, a coffee mug, and my Ipod looping Hall & Oates songs. Then the next thing I know I'm covered in garbage bags in the middle of a Jedi church, surrounded by police. Damndest thing.

The best part of this tale? Mr. Hughes was arrested because the attack was caught on tape. Oh yeah! The Jedi masters had set up a video camera to record their light saber battle. Wow. Because this story just couldn't get any cooler.

Mr. Hughes was ordered by the courts to pay each kid (I mean, Jedi master) $195 for their suffering. And he's banned from drinking any aloholic beverages sold in boxes. Master Jonba and Mormi are rumored to be talking to the Ewoks about forming an alliance against future such attacks.

And just because you probably all think I'm making this up, here's a link to back me up, here. Again, I couldn't make this shit up.

Book Review: "His Dark Materials" Trilogy

Yesterday late at night I finally finished reading the third and final book of the "His Dark Materials" series, "The Amber Spyglass". Of course, most of you know this series because of the movie made earlier this year, "The Golden Compass", which was based on the first book released.

These books and the subsequent movie stirred up a kettle of controversy related to the author's Atheist beliefs and how they were portrayed in the books. Yes - this author is Atheist. And yes - one of the protagonists in these books sets out to kill God, aka "The Authority". Yes - the major religious group of this fantasy realm (read: the HRC) is portrayed as evil and hypocritical.

But anyone who can't read beyond that and open their minds to exotic and diverse thoughts and beliefs don't belong reading any fantasy stories anyway for fear of breaching the line of heresy.

At its heart this book isn't a controversy, it's a sweet and engaging tale about a young girl named Lyra whose destiny is intertwined with the fates of many worlds. She is an adventurer, a traveler, and a self-proclaimed fantastic liar. She is a hero. And I was proud that she was a she. Not many authors have the nerve to portray a girl/growing woman in such a fierce and intelligent fashion.

But Lyra's infectious personality and spirit are the extent of my enthusiasm for these books. The story is so epic with such a large scope that it seems to lack a much-needed attention span. The author, Philip Pullman, is self-indulgent with developing the landscapes of the worlds. Too many new plot threads are introduced without tying them into the main story arc in a timely manor. The result is that I spend hours of my time wondering why I'm investing myself in characters seemingly unconnected with Lyra, and wondering when I'll get to see her again.

The result was that I found little enjoyment in the second book ("The Subtle Knife") or the first half of "The Amber Spyglass". To Pullman's credit though, the finale of the series was able to pull off - with amazing gusto - an intertwining of all the meandering plots and characters. For this feat alone I will remember these stories fondly and the characters will linger with me. That, and well...because I was moved to tears in the last pages.

"His Dark Materials" Overall Rating: B-

Super Happy Most Excellent Picture #7

Since it's Sunday and some of you might be missing church to read my blog (hey it could happen!), I thought I'd bring an image that's as close to religion as I'd care to get.

"Reverend Crunchers"

photo cred