Woolly Lists: 8 Bad Actresses

Please let this serve as a warning to the general moviegoing public. We have been skunked repeatedly as of late by some offensively talentless actresses. Now, I am thinking that the only reason these actresses are still in business is because you've forgotten. You blocked out their past performances, and so you'll finger $20 out of your wallet to go see them again larger-than-life.

Let me stop you right there. I can't stand the senseless suffering anymore. Please print this list and post it on your fridge as a reminder to avoid these wooden prop dummies at all costs:

8. Helen Hunt - Look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating tornado chaser! Oh look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating New York waitress. Oh look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating Mel Gibson love interest. Yeah, I'm done.

7. Claire Danes - Stoned and whiny only makes us glad when your character finally eats it.

6. Jenny McCarthy - I know this one's too easy. So let's just get it out of the way early.

5. Patricia Heaton - Rawwwr! The angry wrinkled troll is on the loose! Rawwwr!

4. Elizabeth Berkley - I have only three words for you, Jessie Spano: "I'm so excited!"

3. Anne Hathaway - If this girl lacked any more screen presence we could see right through her (I mean, if we could see around those enormous lips).

2. Renee Zellweger - She laughs like Babe, Pig in the City. Seriously. Watch closely next time. Otherwise this woman has no idea how to properly register emotion and overacts every blink and nod. Even her voice acting is repulsive and over-the-top (have you seen "Bee Movie?").

1. Cameron Diaz - If I have to see her wiggling around in her panties one more time I'm going to poke my eyes out with pipe cleaners. Do you think for her acting auditions that she just twirls gum around her index finger and then claps? It has to be, especially after her attempts to turn "Shrek's" Princess Fiona into an overacted, bubble-headed moron. Anyone else notice she could barely spit out the lines - in a voiceover part?! Go back to skinny bitch hell, you helium-filled twig!

Woolly Lists - Ten Cartoon Villains I'd Want to Run My Campaign for Global Domination

10. Gargamel (The Smurfs) - his potion making abilities may come in handy, and his patchy war-torn appearance may aid him in blending in well when infiltrating the enemy. But yeah, otherwise he's pretty useless.

9. Mr. Burns (The Simpsons) - two words: Evil Funds

8. The Weasels (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) - I hear that even after they die, their spirits will still do anything to screw over the good guys. I like that.

7. Fat Cat (Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers) - he's a classy cat. He can sing, he can dance, and he comes with his own henchmen!

6. Skeletor (He-Man) - talk about friggin' scary. He'd be higher on my list but he freaks me out, man.

5. Snidely Whiplash (Rocky & Bullwinkle) - because I relish the idea of all of my enemies being tied to railroad tracks.

4. Shredder (TMNT) - I respect that he can help control the martial arts-trained reptile population, but he will have to leave BeBop and Rocksteady at home. The Foot Clan can come along if they don't eat too many of my Doritos.

3. Dr. Claw (Inspector Gadget) - not only would I get all the MAD henchmen on my side, but maybe I could get MAD Cat to come keep my feet warm at night. Double bonus!

2. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty) - as a giant black dragon, can bbq my enemies until they're crispy and then let her crow peck at the gristle. She's in.

1. Boris Badenov & Natasha Fatale (Rocky & Bullwinkle) - after all, he is the world's greatest no-goodnik, and I am soooo ready to be Fearless Leader!

Woolly Lists - Top Ten Smartest TV Show of All-Time

MENSA-schmensa! Just because they sit up on high and judge the rest of us, doesn't mean they can judge our tv, too! Here's my list, obviously the more intelligent choice:

10. Get Smart - Anything that Mel Brooks lays his hands on deserves attention. And this witty send-up of spy thrillers really earns a lot of big laughs. Cheeky and clever.

9. Junkyward Wars - This game show challenged real-life contestants to work together and build machines or contraptions out of junkyard rubbish. It required scientific thinking, mechanical know-how, and a clever mind to build the best contraption and keep us so entertained at the same time. Who knew science could be so much fun?

8. The Mole - Stop cringing! This reality show actually was very intelligent. Contestants participated in daily games of physical and mental endurance to build up a prize money jackpot, knowing that there is a "mole" in their midst who is secretly sabotaging their efforts. Players are elminated based on not only their guess of who the mole is, but also how well they've kept track of the mole's activities.

7. The X-Files - This show just oozed smartness, sometimes literally. The writing always kept us guessing and challenged our perceptions of our world and universe.

6. Seinfeld - The show about nothing. And everything. It's the show about us and our flaws and failures. It made us see how ugly we can be, and made us laugh about it.

5. Arrested Development -The writing was so sensational, so bizarre, and so flat-out humorous that it makes other shows look like amateurs. Now this was real comedy.

4. All in the Family - Ground-breaking. Gasp-inducing. Funny. This show crossed the line over and over and made us laugh at our own flaws time and again. Astonishingly clever and unafraid.

3. M*A*S*H - This show always amazes me at how it can be so funny, and yet so dramatically sad at the same time. The writers and directors knew how to sway moods carefully to elicit the right emotional response.

2. The Daily Show - A fake news show is one of the most trusted news sources for millions of viewers. What does that tell you about its ability to report real news and events, lambaste the issues, and make us laugh at the same time?
1. Lost - Who didn't see this coming? It's a giant puzzle wrapped in a riddle. The show is an ever-changing thatrical-release quality masterpiece of science-fiction, mystery, and human condition. The characters are superbly developed and complex, the writing keeps us on our toes, and the plot leaps off the screen into a world beyond our television sets. Interaction with the show continues on websites, hotline phonenumbers, jigsaw puzzles, podcasts, and a number of other mediums. We're not just watching this show - we're playing a game, too. Absolute brilliance.

Daily Show photo cred

Woolly Lists - Top Ten Great Things About "Back to the Future"

10. "Why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here?"

9. Lesson learned: You never want to...go back and find out just how big of a 'ho your mom really was.

8. Crispin Glover really does need to change that oil.

7. We find out that pinball machine parts really resemble a nuclear device....at least they do to Hill Valley terrorists. The more you know.

6. "1.21 gigawatts?! 1.21 gigwatts! Great Scott!"

5. Apparently, the key to helping anyone with a concussion...is to take their pants off.

4. Marty and Doc floating above flaming tire tracks after Einy's attempt to run them over.

3. There was an amazing amount of dung conveniently being driven around 1950's Hill Valley.

2. We now know...cuckoo clock + wet toilet = time machine.

1. "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need...roads."

picture cred

Woolly Lists - Top Ten Lost Mysteries That Are Eating Away at my Brain

10. What is with the whole "illness" story?

9. How did Claire find out that long straight bangs would be the hottest Hollywood hair trend of the future? And who did she get to give her this new cut and style on the island?

8. Why are The Black Rock and Yemi's plane in the middle of the jungle?

7. Who was in that coffin? And why does Jack care sooo much if he isn't friend or family?

6. Why hasn't Richard aged since the 70s? How old is he exactly?

5. Who are the Others/Hostiles? And why on earth did they hate the Dharma peeps so much?

4. What IS that security system? aka the black smoke monster. And why does it flash in front of people like a camera? And if it's smoke, why can't it go into tree roots where people are hiding?

3. What do the Numbers mean? Why those numbers?

2. Who in the sam hill is Jacob? Why does he ask Locke for help?

1. What do you mean, "They found Flight 815, there were no survivors"?? I can only assume at this point that Naomi was lying. But what if she wasn't??

Woolly Lists - Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Would Secretly Do if she Thought it Would Boost Her Polls

10. Beat the hell out of Bill with a sock of dimes...in some kind of public forum or entertainment venue.

9. Sleep with Mitt Romney...just to publically prove that he actually is gay.

8. Legally change her name to...Hillary Clinton: Agent of Change.

7. Spontaneously start crying at every press conference...then say "excuse me, let me just..." and pull out a bottle of midol, a chocolate bar, and a tampon, placing them on the podium.

6. Hang out with Britney at gas stations...and every time Brit-Brit flashes her hootchie-coo, Hill will jump in to the shot and give a thumbs up and a smile.

5. Knife fight with Oprah.

4. Release her own rap album under the name White Bread...entitled "White Bread Lady is Wiggity-Wiggity-Wack" in order to prove that she is, in fact, more black that Barrack.

3. Disembowel a puppy.

2. Pierce her nipples... put on a catwoman costume, and whip the Lincoln Memorial after tonguing the Declaration of Independence.

1. Make out with Elizabeth Kucinich.

thumbs-up photo cred

Number of days until the new season of Lost: 8

Woolly Lists - Top Ten Celebrities That Might Win a Bear Fight!

10. Michael Jackson - detachable parts give him a clear advantage. Bear's got a hold of your nose? Pull the release tab and chuck it!

9. David Hasselhoff - offers the bear one drink, then they spend the rest of the afternoon tonguing regurgitated cheeseburgers and complaining about life.

8. Judge Judy - if she can smack down all those rednecks , then them thar bars are jus' fixin' to get a good wuppin'. I just want ONE bear to pee on her leg and tell her it's raining. Please, God.

7. Sting - because bears are classicly suckers for "Fields of Gold". And when Sting pulls out that lute...I'm sorry...can someone please hand me a tissue?

6. Victoria Beckham - cyborg parts are easily replacable at her nearest Jiffy Lube. And bears don't like silicone and gristle.

5. Steven Seagal - because he actually weighs more than a bear.

4. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - a quick sideways turn and the bear can't see them. Then as bear approaches, they skin bear alive and wrap themselves in the pelt.

3. Steve McQueen - even dead, he wins.

2. The Pope - a bear vs. the Popemobile. Popemobile clearly wins. It's got the bubble!

1. Chuck Norris - who else? Chuck Norris eats bears for breakfast.

Olsen picture cred