The Empire Strikes Back

There's a news story I'd like to share with you all. It's a cautionary tale of boxed wine and religious persecution.

It all started in a galaxy far, far away (in Holyhead, Wales actually). There lived two brave visionary 18 year-old cousins named Barney and Michael Jones - you may call them Master Jonba Hehol and Master Mormi Hehol. Yes, my friends, for they are Jedi masters. Really. Self-proclaimed Jedi masters who have founded their own Jedi church to spiritually guide 30 very confused adults on how to use the Force to better their lives. I'm not kidding. They really did this.

At first all was peaceful in the universe for Master Jonba and Master Mormi. Until March. That's when the dark side struck back.

A 27 year-old man named Arwel Hughes pulled on a black garbage bag and a cape, and stormed into their church dressed as Darth Vader. (I can't make this stuff up, people.) After entering the church, Darth yelled "Darth Vader! Jedis!" and then swung at Master Jonba with a crutch, hitting him on the head and then whacking Master Mormi in the thigh.

When questioned by the authorities later on, Darth Hughes said he had no memory of the incident, having drunk almost 2.5 gallons of boxed wine right before the attack. Darth's lawyer had this to say:

"He knows his behavior is wrong and didn't want it to happen, but he has no recollection of it."

Man, I hate when that happens to me. One minute I sitting in my closet with a giant box of wine, a coffee mug, and my Ipod looping Hall & Oates songs. Then the next thing I know I'm covered in garbage bags in the middle of a Jedi church, surrounded by police. Damndest thing.

The best part of this tale? Mr. Hughes was arrested because the attack was caught on tape. Oh yeah! The Jedi masters had set up a video camera to record their light saber battle. Wow. Because this story just couldn't get any cooler.

Mr. Hughes was ordered by the courts to pay each kid (I mean, Jedi master) $195 for their suffering. And he's banned from drinking any aloholic beverages sold in boxes. Master Jonba and Mormi are rumored to be talking to the Ewoks about forming an alliance against future such attacks.

And just because you probably all think I'm making this up, here's a link to back me up, here. Again, I couldn't make this shit up.

I'm still mad at the groundhog

That little rodent didn't have to rub it in our faces. We all know that the winter is going to be cold, dark, and eternal. It's like telling Fred Thompson he's bald and ugly as a baboon. It may be true, but it's unnecessary to point out.

So I feel no guilt in taking out my winter anger on the groundhog. Here's a game that may help alleviate your own snowbound hositility too.

Play the Whack-a-Groundhog Game Here

In other winter updates, I would like to announce that my "Share the Snow" program has bottlenecked for now, as the US Postal Service has rejected my garbage bags of snow. We are working on the problem, and will be getting you your bags of snow at my earliest convenience.

Share the Snow Program

IMPORTANT ANOUNCEMENT:

After receiving online complaints from individuals living in warmer climates regarding not ever having snow, I have begun the following program. Effective immediately, I am going to begin mailing garbage bags of snow.

If you live in a warm-climate area, you should expect to receive your garbage bag of snow within the week.

This way you can say you have snow, and I can get rid of mine. Everybody wins. Except maybe the people getting garbage bags of snow in the mail.


Thank you.