Cabin Fever Warning

In this depressing craphole called Michigan this winter is dragging on longer than the Olsen Twins' careers, and it's just as ugly. If I can't open my windows soon and get some fresh warm air in my lungs for the first time in 5 months, I'm going to snap and start spray painting my lawn green.

In a related topic, does anyone know the best way to glue construction paper leaves to a real tree? Do staples go through branches?

If anybody needs me I'll be trying to smell the sunshine inside a pitcher of daiquiries.

I'm still mad at the groundhog

That little rodent didn't have to rub it in our faces. We all know that the winter is going to be cold, dark, and eternal. It's like telling Fred Thompson he's bald and ugly as a baboon. It may be true, but it's unnecessary to point out.

So I feel no guilt in taking out my winter anger on the groundhog. Here's a game that may help alleviate your own snowbound hositility too.

Play the Whack-a-Groundhog Game Here

In other winter updates, I would like to announce that my "Share the Snow" program has bottlenecked for now, as the US Postal Service has rejected my garbage bags of snow. We are working on the problem, and will be getting you your bags of snow at my earliest convenience.