The Case of the Vanishing Clothes Pins

My magical basement of remodeling wonders has already produced some very mysterious events - prophetic flooding plants, the unearthing of ancient Pixie Stix, etc. But now there is a new wonder coming from our basement - and this one frightens me the most of all, I think.

My poor little strange cat has decided that she needs to funnel wooden clothes pins from a laundry tote in the basement to our upstairs area, like a little kitty underground railroad. She brings them when no one is watching, howling all the way.

Why does she bring them?
Why are they here?
Is she going to kill me in my sleep?

With all these questions swimming in my head, I decided my best tactic was to start tracking the clothes pins, praying to God that they weren't multiplying. So I started "tagging" them. Each clothes pin was given a special tracking number with a green felt tip pen. And then I watched.

And they kept coming.

So far we're up to #14. I call him Hank. Please stay tuned as this breaking story unfolds and we find out just what on earth the kitty clothes pins mean, and if she's going to spell out any Satanic verse with them.

Cabin Fever Warning

In this depressing craphole called Michigan this winter is dragging on longer than the Olsen Twins' careers, and it's just as ugly. If I can't open my windows soon and get some fresh warm air in my lungs for the first time in 5 months, I'm going to snap and start spray painting my lawn green.

In a related topic, does anyone know the best way to glue construction paper leaves to a real tree? Do staples go through branches?

If anybody needs me I'll be trying to smell the sunshine inside a pitcher of daiquiries.

File this under stupid things not to do....

Blame it on the cabin fever. But I decided to try something that on the outset seemed inventive and resourceful. In hindsight this was one of the stupidest things I've ever tried.

Concerned about the extra baby flab I still have, I followed an online article's instructions to trim inches off of my arm girth by using...coffee. Theoretically, according to this mean, cruel article, you could do this to any body part. Thankfully, I just stuck with one arm.

Here's what you're supposed to do:

1. Rub dry fresh coffee on the flabby part of body.
2. Wrap in Saran Wrap.
3. Sit in steaming hot bathroom for 1/2 hour.
4. Unwrap, wipe off, and remeasure to find that you have miraculously trimmed 1-3" off of your girth!

I thought this might work, I swear! It came from a coffee manufacturer's website for cryin' outloud! So like a moron I went out and bought - that's right bought! - a can of coffee last night. I spent 6 lousy stinkin' dollars on it.

Then this morning I sat like a sweating sow rubbed in coffee for a full 1/2 hour. Whaddaya think happened? I'll give you a hint - it ends in me kicking the garbage can a whole bunch.

And now I stink like coffee! My bathroom stinks like coffee! My dustbuster stinks like coffee! Even my pug stinks like coffee! (which apparently is fine by him...) I showered twice and my skin STILL stinks like coffee! I can't escape it...I keep running in circles to try to outstrip it, but it still follows me!

And what's more - let me tell you this my friend, so you may learn from my stupid, stupid experiment - coffee gets everywhere! You sweep it up, you turn around - and there's more! It multiplies!

Ugh, I need a hobby...and a new dustbuster...

picture cred