Big Brother 10: "Can't Even Get All 18 Inches of That In the Camera"

I promise to try not and harp too much on how much I loathe Jessie and his tiny little pin head. Or his smuggy smugness. Wait, I've already gone and broken my vow. Crap. Well, I can't much help it, can I? This sunday's episode was called "Jessie's Muscle Magic" starring Jessie. There's just nothing else to talk about, people! Let's all hope things pick up more in up-coming episodes.

EPISODE RECAP:

Last Episode's Eviction -
Brian's out because he cheesed off pretty much everyone in the house by overplaying the game. The lone vote to keep him was Dan. Not because Dan's such an "honorable" man as he claims, but because there was nothing in it for Dan to vote otherwise. Ten bucks and the last Twinkie says that Dan would've flipped on Brian in a heartbeat if he'd been cornered in the bathroom by a pack of wild women.

HOH Competition -
Jessie wins. There's a ping in my brain and my right side goes cold. This once again proves that these "what would the other guests vote" survey competitions are absurd and boring. But this competition does create a very interesting division in the house. In one corner we have the pro-Brian clique staring at the feet sullenly after Jessie's victory: Angie, Steven, Renny, and Dan.

In the other corner we have the power clique that rub Jessie's muscles and tell him how strong and smart he is: Libra, Michelle, Ollie, April, Memphis, Keesha, and Jerry. They even let Jessie win at games of "chest" (as he calls it). And they compliment his back fat all the time, because as Jessie reminds them, "You all know exactly what my back looks like, right?"

Jessie and Jessie's HOH room -
Jessie can now make sweet, sweet love to himself. His room is stocked with all the porn he needs - muscle shots of himself on every wall. Those poor bastahd housemates of his are stuck in there listening to him talk about his back fat, muscle mass, and "all 18 inches" that apparently the camera can't "get". Gross. Steven is the only lucky duck who was lying down with a headache when the group moved up to Muscle Palace. And Jessie is mad. Smassshhh. How dare he disrespect Jessie's muscles this way by not seeing his HOH room! Dude.

Food Competition -
There's a French wine theme where "red wine" (read: Cherry Kool-aid) pours into two large wine vats on platforms - one for each team. The wine vats are full of holes that two teammates on each side must plug with corks tossed to them by teammates on the ground. To earn points, the opposite team collects the wine that trickles through the uncorked holes in the wine barrel. The team who collects the most wine wins. Phew! That was unnecessarily convoluted, but I could see myself creating that game after my second bottle of Pinot, so fair enough, producers. The randomly divided teams don't even need to play this out. All of the old and slow people are on one team, the young and strong people are on the other. Guess who wins? This means that Libra, Keesha, Renny, April, Memphis, and Jerry are all on slop. Again.

Nominations -
Steven and Dan go on the block. Dan because he sided with Brian. Steven because he disses the Muscle Palace and didn't pay his respects at the gun show. The best part is that Jessie really, really, really, really wanted Renny out. So much he kept screaming into a pillow and kicking his legs about it. But the housemates wouldn't let him put her up for strategic reasons (you hear that, Jessie? Stra-te-gy. Look it up.). Haha, he's still not in control, even when he's HOH. What a tool.

Big Brother 10: "Shut up, Memphis, I already hate you"

Hooray! Summer has officially begun now that Chen-a-tron has loosed some vain losers on a small house-like tv studio set. Right off the bat, my impression is that we've got a good cast here. I'm already not feeling nearly as dirty as I did after the premier of BB9 (I showered and showered, but couldn't get clean). For once I really do see some interesting contrasts - and I don't see clearly how this one will play out. Suspense! Thank goodness. Right away, my least favorite player is Memphis, who I already told to "shut up" at least seven times in this one episode. At the head of my kick-ass list is Libra. She's a young mom, she's a liberal living in red city, and she's smart enough to keep her head down. So she's basically what I imagine Alternate-Universe Katie would be like in the house.

EPISODE RECAP:

Home Invasion -
Houseguests enter without much kerfuffle, otherthan Chen-a-tron forcing them to cast ballots for the first HOH. Yawn. The producers have clearly set this up for an easy Jerry win. I mean, really. Who else are they going to vote for?

Food/Car Competition -
In a potentially awesomely violent and bloody game, houseguests are forced to hop into upside-down VW Bugs suspended along a track, and then pull themselves back and forth across the yard, dumping a passenger out each lap (oh, and some lame thing about grabbing a gas can. Who cares?). The fastest team wins food priveleges (the other team goes on slop for the week). And the last player in the winning Bug wins a classic car - two of which are parked on the set for him (or her...it coulda been a her) to choose from.

All the women are out first. I'm embarrassed for my sex. Although really, who wants the hassle, cost, and maintenance of a broke-down, used-up auto that won't fit a car seat and doesn't even have seat belts? I see cinder blocks in those cars' futures.

Memphis turns rabbid and childish and forces everyone out of the Bug without looking down to see who he's stepping on. His team wins the food, and he picks the green muscle car from the late 60s. Ditzy April laments that her team losing is a tragedy because Ol' Jerry is so old and frail. Surely slop must kill him? Oh, and Memphis? You're a BARTENDER. Just get over yourself, dude.

First Night -
Renny (maybe a little drunk?) walks into the room of sleeping pansies, and turns on the lights. Then politely shuts them off again. The not-so-politely starts to make chipmunk noises and holla' that the bedroom door has been locked and they're all trapped. More chipmunk noises. Jessie tries to pet his muscles and tell them to go back to sleep. But they're all up now, and they want raw eggs. So he gets up, and goes to sit in the bathroom, lying in wait for Renny to get caught in the Jessie web. She walks in, he bitches. "I'm up. No you don't get it. I'm UP." Nice one, meat head. Label yourself as the whiny party poop the first night. Because picking a fight with someone right off the bat has never landed anyone on the block. Just ask Sheila and Adam.

Nominations -
Jerry is (yawn) head of household, and his HOH room has sweet photos, nice robe, blah, blah, blah. He has hyenas like Brian nipping at his heels for info and alliances. So now it's Jerry and Brian in some sort of May-December alliance. Which Brian's other alliance with Dan and Ollie might get jealous about. The May-Decembers decide to nominate Jessie and Renny after the (surprise!) big fight they had the night before. By the way, did you notice that Jessie was flexing his muscles all the way through the Nomination Ceremony? Really. Rewinding it on Tivo repeatedly is good fun.

Biggest Surprise of the Night -
No one cried! Huh.