By the Way, I Admire Your Pictures Very Much

I'm proud to say that I now have a doorwall - sure, they forgot the screen and brought the wrong handle - which naturally will take 2-3 weeks to replace. But, not all is lost. You see, after my firm negotiations to receive a $200 discount on the job, I am now the proud owner of a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse. Score.

Sure I'm paying full price for a botched job, but that Bloomin' Onion will soak up my tears, and the Wallaby Darned will get me jusssst buzzed enough to make me forget that I care so much about a doorwall.

But before I go Outback tonight, I want to add a very special item to my mental shopping list. Let's just say it was inspired by a repeated and delectable fantasy all yesterday involving Brian Hanson of Hanson's Windows and his favorite plush horse doll, Khartoum.

It's a very special, very graphic horse head pillow inspired by - well if you don't know than you're completely helpless and should go hit yourself in the head with a rolled up newspaper right now over and over until the stupid falls out.

I think this message to the doorwall people will adequately explain both my displeasure, insanity, and internet shopping prowess.

Ok, so maybe I won't send this to the peeps over at Hanson's. I mean, why waste a perfectly awesome pillow, right? Besides I can use it to hold up my head after a hard night of hitting the Wallaby Darneds.

I'm thinking that with waking up next to this pillow in my bed, I'll probably stop screaming after the first 10 or 20 times. Then it's all enjoyment and cuddles. I think I'll name him Hedley.

The Soggy Ramen Noodle Post

Forget the happy, cheery post you were going to get today. Oh no, that's all gone. And when you go to cry into your midday martini about it, you can all thank Hanson's Windows for this one. Little orange-signed bastahds didn't bother to show up for the doorwall installation they scheduled. They don't call, they won't let me cancel the job. I just have to take it, because I'm the customer and they're evil, soulless, deposit-stealing cowards.

And then the lying liars from liarvania wasted my time twisting their moustaches and laughing at me while my lunch ramen noodles got cold - and there's nothing worse to eat on a Monday than cold, soggy, bloated ramen noodles.

And now I'm cranky - pop a sedative and laugh while watching Fatal Attraction kind of cranky.

So I'm off to come up with creative and disgusting things to do with the mocking orange lawn sign they have staked outside. I'm open to suggestions - particularly ones that involve feces, dirty words, cottage cheese, a carrot peeler, or a weed whacker.