Finale Time - Razzle Dazzle!

What do you get when you take one crazy Benjamin Linus, one half dozen confused and angry commandos, a misguided doctor with a hero complex, and a freighter full of explosives?

The big 2-hour season finale of Lost, of course!

Date: Tomorrow night! Thursday, May 29
Time: 9:00pm
Channel: ABC

We get to sink our teeth into the Island juiciness TOMORROW night. So before you tune in, we need to do a little prep work. Let's start with a few tidbits revealed by TV Guide during recent interviews with the cast, and with Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof (the show's executive producers).

What You Should Know Before the Finale:
(Minor Teasing Spoiler Alert!)

• The fury of Sun is about to be unleashed! Lindelof is quoted as saying: "She's gonna turn into this incredibly vengeful person...We've got big plans for Sun."


• If you're a fan of the Sawyer/Kate love beast, be sure to watch for a steamy goodbye. Tissues ready!


• In case you're counting, we've seen approximately 2.5 years pass between the "rescue" of the Oceanic Six, and Jack's big meltdown on the runway, telling Kate "We have to go back!"


• Re-watch the Season 3 Finale, "Through the Looking Glass"! Lindelof clues us in to rewatch Jack's flash-forward again, and that it'll "be good to have that information under your belt when this finale starts. Because this finale just might start where that one ended." Cool.

Thank you, TV Guide for those nuggets of info. Now, let's dish out some season final predictions. (Note: I have not read/seen any spoilers, this is just coming from the amazing mind that is Pensive Katie.)

Season 4 Finale Predictions:

• The Body in the Coffin Will Be....Michael! We are supposed to find out during the finale who the mystery coffin person is - the one who is neither Jack's "friend or family". We know from the obituary that it's a male (presumably being buried under a pseudonym). A few people from the Island could easily fit this bill: Sayid, Sawyer, Ben, Locke, Desmond, and Michael. All have crossed Jack or his interests. Hence, not friends. I'm ruling out Sayid, because a member of the "Oceanic Six" would likely have press at his funeral. I'm ruling out Desmond, because I don't think he'd end up in the U.S. I'm ruling out Locke because I don't think anything could pry him from his precious Island. And I don't think Jack would shed a tear for Ben. But, Michael? He'd fit the bill, and Walt and Michael's mom may still be so angry at him that they'd stay away even from his funeral.


• Sun's Other Target For Revenge Is....Papa Widmore! She blames her dad and one other person for Jin's death. So who else will be responsible? Ben? Jack? A Boater? Locke? Nah, I think she'll go straight to Keamy's Commander, and Master of the Freighter: Papa Widmore. I think she's going to tank him with all of her new-found money and power.


• Jin Won't Be on the Plane Because....He'll Be Blown to Bits. I'd like to think that Sun is just mourning for her still-stranded husband who's off living the lonely Island life. But I think those explosives on the Freighter had Jin's name written all over them. And he'd sacrifice himself in a heartbeat to save his wife and baby.


• We'll Find Out that Claire is....Dead. Gone in the house explosion. One of the many Island spirits now.

Otherwise I'm at a pretty big loss to explain why some people get "rescued", and others don't. Especially if Sawyer and Kate have time/foresight for a goodbye kiss. Hmmm. Yep, just doesn't make sense. I'm also at a loss to explain the fate of Desmond or Juliet.

But you know I'll have my popcorn ready and will be falling off the couch within the first five minutes! I hope you all enjoy.

Don't forget to check back on Friday for a full and extensive recap of the finale. It should be great!

We're Movin' On Up, We Finally Got Our Piece of the Pie!

Thanks to all of you unmedicated readers, this blog has become a marginal success, and has even earned me a whole 7 cents! I know, big money. When I reach $10.00 I can even cash out my earnings! And at this rate it'll only take me about 70 years. Really, I did the math.

So to celebrate my macabre little attempt at financial success, I'm treating you all to a new domain address.

Look! We are now officially www.woollytheblog.com!

But fret not, my pet: If you type in the old address (as was www.woollytheblog.blogspot.com), you should still be redirected to your favorite little blog.

I'm Thirsty, Get an Ambulance!

Weeee! I love playing one of my favorite celebrity games: "Guess the Real Reason For Going to the Hospital!"

Here's how it works: When you read about a celebrity being hospitalized (or canceling a performance) for "exhaustion"or "dehydration", we all make guesses as to what's really wrong with them. (After all, if they hospitalized people for exhaustion, moms of small children would never be off of a gurney!)

Ok, today's contestant is CariDee. You may remember her as America's Top Model from Cycle 7 of the Tyra Banks reality show (well, at least I remember her). This D-list non-celebrity was taken to the hospital on Saturday night after partying at the opening of an MGM Grand, in their bar/club area called "Shrine".


Now players, gather 'round, grab a pencil, and pick from one of these game choices. Was CariDee really hospitalized for...

A.) Drug Overdose
B.) Alcohol Poisoning
C.) Spousal Battering
D.) Impromptu Drug Rehab
E.) Last-Minute Plastic Surgery
F.) Shameless Attempt to Duck Court/Legal Obligations
G.) Desperate Publicity Stunt

You have 30 seconds to make your choice. Go!

Na-na-na-nana-na-na-na (it's the Jeopardy! theme, just go with it...) Na-na-na-ne-nah--nanananana, Na-na-na-nana-na-na-na, Nah! Ne-nah, Ne-nah, Ne-hah, Bom-bom!

Ok, time's up! If you answered B.) Alcohol Poisoning, then you deserve a cookie! Because you matched my answer, and it's my game. CariDee's press agent may never let it leak what really happened, but I'm just a-guessin' here that lil' miss thang didn't just get oh-so-thirsty after a night of partying her ass off at the club. Hope the stomach pumping went well!

Tune in next time for "Guess the Real Reason for Going to the Hospital!", and thanks for playing!

Super Happy Most Excellent Picture #11

Here's an early Happy Memorial Day wish to you and yours. In this celebration of bbqs, children, laughter, and parties, I wish for you that no angry clowns will mow you down and eat your innards like macaroni salad.

"Hobo, The Angry Clown"

The Empire Strikes Back

There's a news story I'd like to share with you all. It's a cautionary tale of boxed wine and religious persecution.

It all started in a galaxy far, far away (in Holyhead, Wales actually). There lived two brave visionary 18 year-old cousins named Barney and Michael Jones - you may call them Master Jonba Hehol and Master Mormi Hehol. Yes, my friends, for they are Jedi masters. Really. Self-proclaimed Jedi masters who have founded their own Jedi church to spiritually guide 30 very confused adults on how to use the Force to better their lives. I'm not kidding. They really did this.

At first all was peaceful in the universe for Master Jonba and Master Mormi. Until March. That's when the dark side struck back.

A 27 year-old man named Arwel Hughes pulled on a black garbage bag and a cape, and stormed into their church dressed as Darth Vader. (I can't make this stuff up, people.) After entering the church, Darth yelled "Darth Vader! Jedis!" and then swung at Master Jonba with a crutch, hitting him on the head and then whacking Master Mormi in the thigh.

When questioned by the authorities later on, Darth Hughes said he had no memory of the incident, having drunk almost 2.5 gallons of boxed wine right before the attack. Darth's lawyer had this to say:

"He knows his behavior is wrong and didn't want it to happen, but he has no recollection of it."

Man, I hate when that happens to me. One minute I sitting in my closet with a giant box of wine, a coffee mug, and my Ipod looping Hall & Oates songs. Then the next thing I know I'm covered in garbage bags in the middle of a Jedi church, surrounded by police. Damndest thing.

The best part of this tale? Mr. Hughes was arrested because the attack was caught on tape. Oh yeah! The Jedi masters had set up a video camera to record their light saber battle. Wow. Because this story just couldn't get any cooler.

Mr. Hughes was ordered by the courts to pay each kid (I mean, Jedi master) $195 for their suffering. And he's banned from drinking any aloholic beverages sold in boxes. Master Jonba and Mormi are rumored to be talking to the Ewoks about forming an alliance against future such attacks.

And just because you probably all think I'm making this up, here's a link to back me up, here. Again, I couldn't make this shit up.

Lost Thoughts: There's No Place Like Home, Part 1

Most of us Lost fans were left tapping our fingers last night during a generally ho-hum episode. I could practically hear the director calling "Places! Everybody, places for the big finale!" (which airs in two weeks, and better blow the hatch doors off of all other finales in the history of television). And thanks to last night's game of Island chess, we didn't get very much meat to this episode, just a lot of loose ends tied up in a damn hurry. To me, this was the episode where we really saw the price Lost paid for the writer's strike. But here we go with my thoughts on the particulars nonetheless:

They're Calling You the Oceanic Six -
Our favorite Oceanic representative and press agent, Karen Decker is on hand to welcome our heroes home for a reunion with their families after being "rescued". Predictable as predictable goes, all of the survivors are greeted by their living parents - except for poor Bucktooth (Kate). She and Aaron are symbolically very alone when they land on the mainland.

Every Islander For Themselves! -
The Oceanic Six "rescue" brings up the question once again, how the hell did Kate Austen get a seat on the rescue plane ahead of all those other people with families who missed them? Same with Jack, really. I keep having this image of our "heroes" shoving all the other survivors down face-first in the sand so they can get to the rescue craft first. I'll be very interested to see how their "rescue" is justified. All I can say is that Jack better not have gotten a rescue seat because the damn fool was bleeding from his heroic stitches.

Are You All Buying This? -
The story fed to the press by the Oceanic Six just makes me shake my head. I love that the reporters have already caught on to the absurd suggestion that Kate was 6 months pregnant when she was arrested in Sydney. But the real curious thing about their story was, who invented it? Is Oceanic in on the cover-up? Or did the "Six" fabricate this gem all on their own?

Welcome to Paik Industries -
Future Sun, still just barely pregnant and fresh off the rescue plane, drops by her daddy's office with a bombshell for him. She has bought controlling shares in his company with the settlement funds paid out to her by Oceanic. It's the smart move, the poetic move, and the only way to ensure the safety, welfare, and security of Ji Yeon. So now I dust off my hands and call this another storyline that has been neatly wrapped up with a bow. And we still have two seasons to go.

You Should See What I Did To the Other Guy -
The only really intriguing part of Future Sun's story is when she tells her dad that he's one of TWO people responsible for Jin's death. Who is the other person? And where is he hiding and pissing his pants?

Hugo's Party -
Future Hurley's trip to the nuthouse appears to be a very short one. Not only do whispers still haunt him, and his parents throw him island-themed surprise parties (nice one, mama), but also his creepy car full of bad memories has The Numbers on its odometer and trip counter.

Life at the Big House -
Future Hurley's parents are clearly not short on cash. So did they keep his original lottery winnings? It would make sense that they'd have inherited it after Hugo's "death". So did the "curse" of the money pass on to them (according to Hugo's logic)? And is the Oceanic settlement money cursed? Or is it clean for Hugo to spend? Man, this curse stuff is complicated and exhausting.

You Are Going to Your Father's Funeral, Mister, and That's Final! -
Future Jack's down a rough path of his own. Being the only Lostie who seems excited to be rescued, Future Jack's having a tough time keeping the glow in his smile. You'd have thought being stranded on a desserted island would've gotten him out of his father's funeral. But no, he still has to deliver a eulogy. But wouldn't they have had a memorial for Christian at the same time as a memorial for Jack? I mean, these people were presumed killed in a plane crash (with the bodies found at the bottom of the ocean) at least 4 months prior - they should all have had funerals held for them, and grave markers placed in the ground. What a very convenient plot device that Christian's memorial was held off until their dead son was rescued!

By the Way, Grieving Stranger Man -
"You have a dead sister who was on the plane seated just a couple rows from you the whole time. I know this knowledge does you no good, and you've already been through a mountain of trauma already, but I have to wrap up this plot thread somehow. You see, there was this writers strike, and your dead sister's back story had to be cut, along with a more appropriate revelation of her existence. So now here I am, at your father's oddly-timed funeral, taking as long as possible to spit out her name, the name of your dead sister, the secret one your father didn't want you to know about, from the plane, causing you to travel to Sydney. Her name was....was....Claire!"

Run Through the Jungle -
Back on the Island, Jack is running through the jungle with various cohorts (depending on where the writers were shuffling people), bleeding as he went. Real smart, Jack. Let's leave a blood trail so that man and beast alike can follow your trail for miles. Better yet, why don't you carry a loudly beeping phone the whole way so that when you arrive, everyone can hear you coming (in case they don't see the spurt of blood above the trees!).

Thank You, Sawyer -
I applauded when Sawyer pointed out the lunacy of Jack not learning from his past mistakes. Locke was right, they shouldn't have trusted the chopper people. Now they'll all likely die because of it. And yet....oh, Jack....you still want to phone the chopper and chase it down. You couldn't make it much worse, could you now?

A Changed Man -
What a change we've seen in this character since his first gruff days on the Island. Nowadays he's cradling Jungle babies in his arms and sending a search party after his tubby friend even when "rescue" is inches from his fingertips. Oh, ok Sawyer. I'll sleep with you if I must.

If I Only Had a Heart -
In a show that has a lot of parallels to "The Wizard of Oz" (including this episode's name), is Sawyer our Tin Man? Would that make Jack "Dorothy" (just wanting to go home)? Hurley the "Cowardly Lion" (learning to be a strong hero)? Kate as "Toto" (always getting captured and running away again)?

Hurley Wants a Cracker -
Our Cowardly Lion, Hugo, is showing his courage as he's running through the jungle with Locke and Ben on a mission to "move the Island". And he's not afraid to do his part and eat 15 year-old crackers, damn it! Oh Hurley, why are you following these head cases, who I love, but clearly aren't up to anything good?

Mirror, Mirror -
While Hurley's munching on his stale crackers, and Locke's scratching his shiny skull, who is Ben signalling to in the hills? Is it the Others? What are they saying? At first I thought he might be signaling for the Orchid station to evacuate, but then he wouldn't be keeping it a secret from Locke. Aren't we past the time for secrets, Ben? The party's over pal, I think it's time to put your cards on the table. Especially since Locke is Jacob's new boy.

No One Here But Us Commandos -
There they squat in the jungle: John and the Lockettes watching the not-so-subtle army men waiting to snatch Ben. How did the Others know to evacuate The Orchid before GI Joe got there? If they're dead (as I suspect), this makes some sense. In any event, are these the worst army commandos ever? I mean, they don't even know how to hold a perimeter, seeing as they don't even notice three full-grown men sitting a few yards away staring at them with binoculars and chatting up a storm. Plus, if two of them are parading out front, how are they covering the rest of a station which is apparently large enough to house a whole commune of Others? There just aren't enough Joes! Their tactics make no sense! And why wait outside for Ben's arrival? Wouldn't it be sneakier to hide inside so Ben won't run away?

I can't wait to see Smokey eat them for brunch!

An Orchid By Any Other Name -
What the heck is inside this "greenhouse" that makes it so special and safe? Ben instructs Locke to go down to a secret basement, what will he find down there that will allow him to move and island? Miracle Gro? (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

Peek-a-Boo! -

Well, there are our missing Others! Conspicuously absent from their greenhouse, I wondered where Richard Alpert had gotten to (and how many were left). Turns out they still have a pretty strong army that still enjoys surrounding people secretly to spook the shit out of them. Were they looking for the Losties? Or did they stumble upon them accidentally? I have trouble believing anything the Others do is accidental....

An Explosive Situation -

Out on the open sea, there seems to be a slight panic in Desmond's voice as he calls to the dinghy folk to come see what he's found on the freighter. Uh-oh! It's an explosives-packed cargo area with enough boom sticks to take out, say, a Korean and a janitor trying to atone for his sins. I think Sun has every right to have that worried look on her face.

Ruh-Roh -
Back on the beach, Daniel the rescue raft captain, reveals the first helpful tidbit to come from the Boaters since their arrival. He recognizes the "Secondary Protocol" and the mission to the Orchid. But how did he recognize this? The sketches in his journal suggest he knows it from his flashes. And just thinking about what flashes at what point in time would've made Daniel draw those sketches and understand a secondary protocol, thus revealing to his past or present self that an Island was about to be destroyed over a greenhouse....well, there it is again, I've gone cross-eyed.

Best Line of the Episode:
"Jesus Christ is not a weapon." -Carmen Reyes, to her son Hugo

You Might've Missed:

• At Hugo's party, Sayid is wearing a wedding band, suggesting he and Nadia are already married.


• Two rabbits' feet appear in this episode: On Hugo's keychain, and in the hands of the co-pilot bringing the Oceanic Six home. There's just something about luck on this show...


• The island that the Oceanic Six supposedly crashed on is called "Membata", which is Indonesian for "doubt" or "uncertainty".


• Future Hurley was carrying a Mr. Cluck's chicken bag when he arrived at his surprise party.


• The Orchid Station symbol we see up-close in Daniel's notebook matches the symbol on Ben's jumpsuit in the desert, and that was on Keamy's "Second Protocol" notebook.


• A Geronimo Jackson album appears at Hugo's party, as does a guy wearing a "42" t-shirt.

Woolly Lists: 8 Bad Actresses

Please let this serve as a warning to the general moviegoing public. We have been skunked repeatedly as of late by some offensively talentless actresses. Now, I am thinking that the only reason these actresses are still in business is because you've forgotten. You blocked out their past performances, and so you'll finger $20 out of your wallet to go see them again larger-than-life.

Let me stop you right there. I can't stand the senseless suffering anymore. Please print this list and post it on your fridge as a reminder to avoid these wooden prop dummies at all costs:

8. Helen Hunt - Look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating tornado chaser! Oh look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating New York waitress. Oh look, Helen Hunt's a feisty and determined man-hating Mel Gibson love interest. Yeah, I'm done.

7. Claire Danes - Stoned and whiny only makes us glad when your character finally eats it.

6. Jenny McCarthy - I know this one's too easy. So let's just get it out of the way early.

5. Patricia Heaton - Rawwwr! The angry wrinkled troll is on the loose! Rawwwr!

4. Elizabeth Berkley - I have only three words for you, Jessie Spano: "I'm so excited!"

3. Anne Hathaway - If this girl lacked any more screen presence we could see right through her (I mean, if we could see around those enormous lips).

2. Renee Zellweger - She laughs like Babe, Pig in the City. Seriously. Watch closely next time. Otherwise this woman has no idea how to properly register emotion and overacts every blink and nod. Even her voice acting is repulsive and over-the-top (have you seen "Bee Movie?").

1. Cameron Diaz - If I have to see her wiggling around in her panties one more time I'm going to poke my eyes out with pipe cleaners. Do you think for her acting auditions that she just twirls gum around her index finger and then claps? It has to be, especially after her attempts to turn "Shrek's" Princess Fiona into an overacted, bubble-headed moron. Anyone else notice she could barely spit out the lines - in a voiceover part?! Go back to skinny bitch hell, you helium-filled twig!

Harpy Mudda's Day!

Here's to all the muthas out there, be their children teeny humans, cats, dogs, gerbils, lawn gnomes, or packs of army men. May your day be full of appreciation and forced togetherness.

In celebration, here's a video that really sums up what Mother's Day meant to me before I actually became a mom.

Every day is kids' day, my ass.

Askville Answer of the Week: Because Puppets Have Mothers Too

I can't even begin to tell you where this one came from. So rather than explain it, I'll just post the friggin' thing and hope you'll still come back to my blog again someday.

I'm still collecting for the GFCCIP fund, by the way. You know, in case you want to contribute. You can just email me here at Woolly the Blog, and we can make arrangements for your donation.

As always, you can find me at www.askville.com. Just ask for PenguinSage. Tell her Ma Bates sent ya!

Another Commercial Points Out My Personal Shortcomings

Here's a commercial that's definitely worth sharing. It comes from the UK and is a visual challenge to the viewer. The big question is, do you pass the test?

Now don't you look down here and cheat before you've watched the video (it'll only take you 1:07 to watch!). This ad is to make drivers aware of cyclists (and presumably other roadway hazards, as I can't imagine they'd favor hitting baby buggies or elderly pedestrians).

I'll tell you I totally failed this one. But how could I have known? How could I possibly have guessed?

At least when I'm on the road I can reasonably anticipate the presence of cyclists. But I'll now freely admit that if a moonwalking bear heads out into traffic, I'm likely to be the first one to accidentall mow him down. I'll take total responsibility on that account. And I have this commercial to thank for making me aware of my limited preparedness for dancing forest animals.

Lost Thoughts: Cabin Fever

Now this episode feels like old times. It's like putting on your old fuzzy slippers. Lost, if you're not careful I could just fall in love with you all over again.

Here's what I noticed during this episode:

Mr. Tom Sawyer Likes 'Em Young -
We met 16-year old Ms. Locke tonight, as she's running off to meet a certain li'l con artist we all know and love. Of course, only she knows she's 5-6 months pregnant at the time with our favorite baldy, John. Or could Mr. Sawyer have known? Any chance he was the one driving the car that hit her? If he's willing to launch his own son out a highrise window, I wouldn't put it past him to twist his evildoer moustache and run down the little prostitot with his car.

Going Faster Than a Roller Coaster -
A little personal excitement here: The episode kicks off with Ms. Locke playing the Buddy Holly song, "Everyday". That just happens to be my song - it's been my theme song since before I was born. It was almost eerie for it to appear here in my favorite show like this, heralding the entrance of the show's hero. Hooray!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Richard Alpert -
My favorite eyeliner-wearing Other makes a most unexpected and giggle-inducing appearance tonight at the hospital bassinet of our young Locke. And as we see through John's life, Richard routinely checks in on him and attempts to recruit or test him for a Mittelos Bioscience "project". So did the Island know John was special from the moment he was born? The Island must've sent Richard, sealing the notion that this has always been Locke's destiny.

Get Me the Number of His Surgeon -
Why the heck hasn't Richard Alpert aged? We already knew that he was exceedingly good looking for his age after seeing him in the late 60s looking grown-up and unchanged. But he was that way back in the early 50s, too?? How old is Richard Alpert? Does he go back hundreds of years? Or more?

Dead Man Walking -
Maybe Richard didn't discover any fountain of youth. Is Richard Alpert already dead? We've recently seen many dead people taking on work for the Island. I'm thinking it's pretty likely that Richard's one of them. But how long ago did he die, then?

I've Cracked It! -
Here's the the question about Richard being dead for these many decades: Are all of the Others dead also? I believe Ben is still alive (hence the tumor). And they have a few live helpers (like Juliet and the pregnant women they experimented on ). But I'm starting to sense that the rest of the group - the ones who wanted the DI eliminated, the ones who asked Ben to join them, and the ones who are holding children hostage (or their spirits hostage, at least) - that they're all teats up. Maybe that's one of the Island's big secrets. It's a ghost island! That would sure explain all the creepy jungle whispers. And what the heck Miles the Angry Ghostbuster is doing on the Island.

Well, that's nicely wrapped up. I've clearly solved it. Show's over. Time to go to bed.

Ooh, a Knife! -
Poor Little Locke didn't have a chance when Richard gave him that little Island test. Even our very special Locke isn't a lame enough kid to claim that a bottle of sand, a beat-up compass, a book of laws, or even a comic was his. Of COURSE he goes for the knife! And wasn't it the right answer?

And I don't buy for one second that Alpert was really as disappointed as he let on - otherwise he wouldn't have continued to track Locke. And besides, that sketch of Smokey the Monster eating a man sealed the deal, I think. I know it creeped me the eff out.


"Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do!" -
Who else talked along with this line tonight during the teenage years flash? Com'on, I know we weren't the only ones. That line's become a very powerful anthem for our baldie.

Go On a Walkabout -
Richard Alpert has some competition - he's not the only one trying to recruit Locke to play a role in the Island's fate. Matthew Abaddon (who recruited all the Boaters and tried to ply Hurley for information after his "rescue" from the island) shows up and tries to get Locke into the Island business by suggesting he go on a walkabout. And since we all know (as does the Island) that Pre-Island Locke is completely susceptible to the power of suggestion, this is liking shooting fish in a barrel.

I See an Airplane in Your Future -
What puzzles me about Abaddon's suggestion and clairvoyance, is how does he know what will happen to Locke if he tries to go on a walkabout? Every outward appearance is that Abaddon's working for Papa Widmore, not the psychic Island full of dead people. So where's he getting his psychic information? Is he really working for the Island instead? (Does the Island see the need for double agents?)

Don't Rock the Boat, Baby -
Back on the boat, Keamy's getting a little nutty. First off, he's hella-pissed that Ben knew his name and information. Why? So, a little bug-eyed Island man of mystery knows your middle name is Christopher. It could've been worse. It's not like your middle name is Mervyn or something. But man, are those people on the boat going to pay for his middle name getting leaked (and you know, also for standing in his way from destroying the Island...that, too).

BAM! Down goes the Boater Doc. BAM! Down goes the Captain. So long, Cappy.

Sorry, Michael's Off Limits -
Commando Keamy tried to cap Michael (by the way have you noticed that janitors on this show are always really disgruntled men? Roger Linus? Michael?). But the Island wasn't havin' any of it. Just like in the alley with Mr. Friendly, the gun jams. Michael owes the Island for his life about eight times over now. And Keamy owes Michael a new pair of undies.

Let Me Just Check My Script, Here -
Before Commando Keamy heads back out to the Island, he first grabs a "second protocol" out of the safe - presumably from Papa Widmore. Why does the cover have a Dharma Initiative logo on it? Were the Dharma Initiative people really just innocent bystanders?

Rescue Raft Saves the Day -
Well, I'm just assuming that Sayid and his rescue raft are going to save the day. How else are the Oceanic Six getting off that freakin' Island? My gut's saying it won't be in that helicopter filled with psychotic army commandos strapped tight with explosives and hell-bent on razing the Island. I'm voting for Sayid's dinghy as the winner here.

Horace the Friendly Ghost -
Back on the Island...oh, look - there's Horace Goodwill, our favorite dogooder/sucker who was killed by Ben and his Island ghost posse 12 years before. Horace's spirit apparently still has his balls in his wife's purse, because he's spending his afterlife perpetually building a getaway cabin "for the missus". But at least we know who built the travelling Ghost Cabin. The most priceless moment of all in this sequence, though, was seeing Ben's guilty face looking at Horace. We knew that Horace was the one person Ben felt remorse for indirectly killing, since he was the one dead person whose eyelids he closed right after the Purge.

Christian Becomes an Other -
Not only has Christian Shepard become an Other Ghostie, but it seems that he climbed the ranks pretty quickly since he's acting as Jacob's press agent. Why is Christian being esteemed so greatly? I think it's a pretty safe assumption now though, that you become an official Other if your dead body is on the Island.

Claire? -
So this is where Claire is, and will always be. In a creepy cabin jungle with an ugly dog painting. It looks to me that Claire is dead and her spirit is chilling with her father's spirit. Did Claire die in the house explosion? My money's on yes. Her spirit confusedly travelled onward with her party not realizing her fate until her papa showed up to guide her.

Mama Issues -
Just in time for Mother's Day, I'm starting to string together a new set of parental issues for this show. We've already clearly seen the big-time daddy issues the characters have (Locke's homicidal papa, Sawyer's homicidal/suicidal papa, Penn's homicidal papa, Sun's homicidal papa, Jin's shameful lying papa, Kate's alcoholic abusive papa, Jack's alcoholic abusive papa, Claire's alcoholic abusive papa, Ben's alcoholic neglectful papa, Hurley's abandoning papa, etc.).

But now I'm starting to see that the mother's aren't real peaches either. They seem to have troubles staying in their Island kiddo's lives:

• Ben - mother dies after childbirth
• Claire - mother goes into terminal coma after car crash
• Jin - prostitute mother abandons her son and then extorts him for money
• Shannon - mother dies, stepmother turns her back on her penniless stepdaughter
• Alex - mother is inexplicably not present for the bulk of her mystery life
• Kate - mother turns her back on criminal daughter and then dies of cancer
• Locke - mother turns her back on him after his birth, foster mother has no faith in him

Ok, so maybe it's not a universal formula that applies to every character, but I think this episode's new thread in the damaged quilt of motherhood is definitely Lost's way of saying "Happy Mother's Day!"

Best Line of the Episode:

"Destiny is a fickle bitch" -Benjamin Linus describing to Locke how the Island's favor may change some day

Things You Might've Missed:

• Ben and Hurley shared an Apollo candy bar.


• Hurley was mumbling "mallowmars!" in his sleep.


• Teenage Locke had a Geronimo Jackson poster in his locker: the fictitious band that everyone around the Island seems to enjoy.


• Teenage Locke also had a picture in his locker of the famous explorer, Sir Richard Burton.


• Richard Alpert describes himself to little boy Locke by saying: "I run a school for kids who are... extremely special, and I have reason to believe that you might be one them." This is a quote from X-Men. It is the line Charles Xavier uses to recruit mutants into his school.


• Horace Goodspeed was a Dharma Initiative Mathematician.


• When Locke tells Hurley that they have to make a pit stop, it actually is at a pit. Ha!


• Based on the number of years Horace has been dead, the Purge would've occurred on December 19, 1992.

Vegas, Baby

If you've noticed a very sad lack of posts as of late, dear reader, it's because this woolly blogger has been in Las Vegas on my first vacation in almost 6 years. Woot!

Naturally, I faithfully kept a diary of my trip (don't you carry a "Delta Burke" diary wherever you go with its matching Dixie Carter pen?). So I thought I'd share just a few Vegas diary excerpts to help you capture the flavor of my trip:

Day 1, April 27, 7:34pm:
Dear Diary,
I spent 8 hours in two airplanes, a van, a limousine, 11 very longs lines, and a Quizno's to get here - but I'm here, it's Vegas, baby!

7:52pm:
Dear Diary,
After having realized how obnoxious this city makes people, I have forthwith banned the use of the word "baby" at the end of sentences or phrases. Poor Dave had to learn this the hard way when he got nipple twists twice while crossing the casino floor. Also, the next person who says that horrible canned "What happens in Vegas..." phrase is going to get tasered. Diary, I may be spending some time in a Las Vegas jail.

10:05pm:
Dear Diary,
My hotel room is very nice, and thank the lurdy, very clean. I'm especially excited to find that there's a television in my bathroom mirror! There was a little dark sticker-like box in the middle of the mirror, and like a caveman, I pawed at it for five minutes not knowing what it was. Then we found the remote. Now I want to spend all of my time here watching my crapper vision.

Still no sign of any Elvises yet, but I'll keep looking. Every Vegas-centric movie in history has promised busloads of Elvises, and I'm holding them to it!

Day 2, April 28, 5:30am:
Dear Diary,
Piss it all, I'm still on Michigan time. So I'm up with all the grannies waiting for the buffet line. It's going to be a very long day with Dave off at his business conference. Time to explore the city all by myself!

9:22pm:
Dear Diary,
I hate this city and it's big stinkin' mousetrap assembly. Whoever decided that to get from one hotel to the next you have to take 4 escalators, 2 ramps, a staircase, and then cross a casino floor should be bludgeoned.

But I did take in some great sights, diary. I got to see a replica of Tut's tomb, I got to pet his guard god dog, Anubis, I stood in a replica Eiffel Tower and then some drunk guy tried to maul me while I took a picture of Dave in front of Lenin's headless replica statue. Good fun. Good fun.

Diary, I still haven't seen a single Elvis - not even a Flying Elvis, like "Honeymoon in Vegas" promised!

Day 4, April 30, 6:42pm:
Dear Diary,
This city has not been treating me well, I'm afraid. My feet are cut open from all the walking, so I've had to mummify my feet with ninja Band-Aids.

I'm sorry to say the food's not very good here either, diary. I've been longing for a cheeseburger that costs less than $30, and have yet to find it, aside from a McDonald's on the strip where I swear I saw bare boobies inside from my view from the road.

My luck as of late has changed though, diary. Dave and I went to the "Star Trek Experience" - which apparently means delicious food with funny names served in a futuristic spaceship restaurant. They serve drinks that smoke, and a Klingon serves your food. Oh, and a Borg walks over to your table and "scans" you (whatever that means)! I even got to try some blue Romulan Ale. Yumm. I was so high on the Flaming Ribs of Targ that I actually let Dave buy a crew uniform shirt. I'll be sorry for that one later.

And after four days of tireless searching, I finally found an Elvis! He's not as lively or musical as I had hoped, but he does vaguely smell of peanut butter and bananas, so close enough!

11:01pm:
Dear Diary,
I have forgiven this wonderful city, after having experienced the greatest evening any city could ever offer - an evening with The Manilow! We saw Barry in concert tonight, and he was positively magical. From our 3rd row aisles seats I was even able to reach out and take his hand and dance with him for a minute. It was heavenly! Diary, I am forever a Fanilow. Every crotch grab and booty shake he did was like a dream come true.

Yes, this is an actual photo from our concert! I'm so lucky!

Tonight marks the end of our trip, and I only wish I could tuck Barry in my suitcase and bring him home with me.

Day 5, May 1, 7:45am:
Dear Diary,
I've been up since 3:00am this morning and am now on a stuffy airplane seated next to a guy who keeps snorting his phlegm and surfing the web for Russian brides. Hellllp!

If anyone finds this diary, and I am missing, please look in the cellar of the passenger seated on my flight in Seat 14A. Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~

Well, friends, that's all I was able to write. Sadly the rest of the flight(s) were filled with so much turbulence and snow storms (thank you, Colorado!) that we were belted into our ever-lovin' coach class plane seats for the rest of the trip, and my "Delta Burke" diary was out of reach. I think you're able to really get the gist though.

I'll leave you with this one video of Barry Manilow. This actual video was played for us at the concert on a 150-ft. screen! And then Barry walked out in front of it and began performing it live. Then he ended the extended "Mandy" performance doing a duet with his 70s self. Awesome. To the max.

Lost Thoughts: Something Nice Back Home

Last night's episode was very heart-warming in a lot of ways - not because of the blechy Jack-Kate love storyline, but mostly because "Something Nice Back Home" reminded me a lot of the good ol' seasons on the beach. It was nice to spend time performing ramshackle surgery on the beach and visit with Rose's inner bitchiness (which I lurve!). So here's what I thought about the whole shebang:

What's That in the Sky? It's Super Bernard!
Wow, Bernard really stepped up this episode as a super badass. First he stands up to the Boaters and calls them out on all their lies (and way to go, Rose, for defending your man like that!). Then he steps in as an anaesthesiologist, and knocks Jack out when he's being insubordinate. Bam! Take that, Jack! I'm starting to get attached to this little dentist - or as I still call him, "Mr. Gorpley" (which, by the way, this actor isn't credited with on IMDB, oh the scandal!).

A Case of Convenient Appendicitis
I'm a little disappointed in this hack writing move, pulled right out of the television cliche handbook. "Ooh look! A potentially fatal and sudden ailment that can be easily fixed, if only it will bring characters together and put things in perspective first!" I'm at least pleased that Super Rose and Super Bernard stepped in to provide an ounce of credibility here by explaining that the island is trying to hold Jack down so that they don't all get "rescued". The island is so cliched!

Adventures With Twitchy and Bitchy
We could seriously make a sitcom or animated romp about these two characters. I, of course, am referring to Daniel the Twitchy Physicist, and Charlotte the Bitchy Bitch (or as Rose likes to call her, "Red"). So Twitchy has a little crush on Bitchy. But of course, Twitchy looks like he's never been with a woman and would have a crush on any female that would hold still.

"I Know You Understand Me"
I can't stand that Jin's a dead man walkin'. Good for him for calling out Big Red on her ability to speak Korean. What else is Bitchy hiding?

You Cut Me Deep, Juliet
Juliet knows how to cut a man in more than one way. After the miraculously smooth surgery (wait, isn't she a fertility researcher? Where did she learn to perform surgery like that?), Juliet totally set up Jack and Kate to, like, ya know, get their feelings out in the open for eachother because ya know Jack totally like-likes Kate and they're totally gonna get married and have a thousand babies and stuff.

Ugh, I'm already sick of this forced love triangle. Enough already! Kate quit leading men on like this and pick one already and cut the other one free once and for all! I hate women like Kate. Oh wait, I also happen to really just hate Kate (stupid bucktooth, beaver-faced, gullible victim, "I'm going with you" girl!).

Playing House
Future Jack and Future Kate are playing house with Future Aaron - which of course is funny since last time we saw these crazy kids (at Future Kate's trial), Future Jack was nowhere near ready to face Future Aaron. So what changed his mind? He claimed to Future Hurley that it was the trial, but my Lost B.S. Detector is going off.

All is Not Well in Hurley Land
Poor Future Hurley isn't doing so well - but then again, I wouldn't be doing well either if I was convinced that I was dead. Future Hugo claims that Charlie comes to talk to him everyday and has convinced him that they're all dead. Now of course, we (in our best Jack voices) immediately proclaim that this could be a Dave in Charlie clothing. But I think instead that it's the Island talking to Future Hurley everyday. After all, the Island recognized Hurley as a pretty important messenger when it showed him Jacob's cabin. Or could it really be Ghost Charlie?

You Have One New Message
Future Jack, who's living the life of Malibu Ken, got a very disturbing message from Charlie the Island Spirit: "You're not supposed to raise him, Jack". Captain Denial immediately bucks this message by asking Future Buck Tooth to marry him. Good, Jack. That'll make everything better. Because marriage suits both of you so well. Thank jeebus that Jack's coworker pointed out that an engagement isn't supposed to leave you sweating your shorts and seeing things. We were all thinking it.

All Dead
Could the Oceanic Six all be dead? Future Hurley claims that their happiness (or lack thereof) is proof that they're in the afterlife and don't realize it (until Charlie blows Future Hurley's mind - a mind that really didn't need to be blown). I highly doubt they're all dead. Mainly my main argument is regarding Sayid: His "afterlife" experience doesn't make much sense. Even if his soul's being punished by losing Nadia, his resulting rampage of assassinations don't make much sense. And if Future Aaron was dead, wouldn't his afterlife include Claire? And wouldn't Sun's afterlife include Jin? Or, alternately if she was being punished, wouldn't she never get to meet her daughter then? I think Future Hurley's being mislead by a very mean island which has no regard for the mental wellbeing of our favorite tubby friend.

I Am The Ghost Of Island Future
As a parting shot at Future Jack, Future Hurley (in no way sounding like Jacob Marley) warns that Future Jack will be visited by another soon. Oh, I can't wait for this to go down! Who could it be?

Clonazepam, The Lost Drug of Choice
A little shout-out to my prescription friend, Clonazepam. It's the anti-anxiety, anti-hallucinatory drug that Pre-Island Hurley and Future Jack both take. And it's how I mellow myself out, too! I'm so hip. (Now if only I could get my Clonazepam tablets to have a little "Lost" logo or Jack's face on them!) Could this one prescription from this episode be the beginning of Future Jack's downward spiral? Does his proposal to Kate happen before their meeting at the airport where Jack talks about flying back and forth across the Pacific hoping to crash? I'm thinking so. Which, of course, means that I think the wedding's off.

Keamy's Men Can't Dig For Shit
The Angry Ghostbuster (aka Miles) hears some whispers and is the first Islander not to get bugged out by it! He recognizes the painful screams of Alex as both her mother and boyfriend are killed. Beneath his feet he discovers the very, very shallow graves of Danielle Rousseau and Karl. Have the Jungle Whispers always just been an imprint of death? If so, then they're nothing to fear, and they've been messing with peoples' minds, making them think they're an omen of evil about to happen.

Bad Career Decisions
Another very important line from this scene: "I didn't sign up for this." So what did you sign up for Miles? I'm still wondering what part the Angry Ghostbuster's going to play in this whole thing.

GI Joe Lives and Is Pissed About It!
We see briefly that Keamy and 4 soldiers have survived Smokey's attack and are headed for the helicopter (with Pilot Frank) to get off the island. This shows us that Pilot Frank definitely knows a lot more than he's let on in the past, but at least we know he's a good guy (and not in the Ben sense of the term). Will Keamy be back? Does he have more GI Joes on the Boat? Or will he just nuke the whole island? (also known as the "Rumsfeldian Maneuver".)


Papa?
Christian Shepard just can't help himself. He just loves to pop up and seriously mess with his kids' minds. Ok, or maybe the Island likes to use Christian Shepard as the greatest mess-you-up tool of all-time. I can respect that.

The funny thing about Claire seeing Christian holding Aaron is that she responds, "Dad?". Funny she calls him that seeing as he hasn't been much of a dad. You'd think she'd call him by another name - or, you know, freak the eff out. What happened to our good ol' "They're trying to take my bye-bay!" Claire?

Who Let Claire Loose in the Jungle Again?
But it turns out Papacita didn't want his grandson - he wanted his daughter. Where has Claire gone? If she left without Aaron it must've been by force, but a force with enough compassion to place Aaron somewhere safe. And of course, now we have to wonder if Claire-bear's gone for good. It seems the writers have been teasing us quite a bit with what they're going to do to off Claire. Will we blow her up while napping? Will she get kidnapped by Ghost Dad? Next week Claire will attempt to water ski over a pool of hungry sharks! Stay tuned...

Best Line of the Episode:

"Watch Your Tone, Red!" -Rose, after Charlotte cops a 'tude with Bernard

Things You Might've Missed:

• Jack reads part of "Alice in Wonderland" to Aaron before bed.
• Future Jack has a new tattoo under his arm, which we see for the first time while he's living with Kate.
• We hear a beep identical to the hatch countdown computer twice this episode: Once from the coffee maker at Kate's house, and again from the smoke detector at Jack's office.
• Future Hurley's staying ath the Santa Rosa Hospital under the care of Dr. Stillman.
• At Kate's house, Jack trips over a Millenium Falcon toy from "Star Wars".
• We learn of two of Future Jack's patients: Ryan Laker (age 36) and Ms. Berenberg.
• Sawyer calls Miles "Donger" at one point, a reference to "Sixteen Candles".

Lost Thoughts: The Shape of Things to Come

Boy, I'll really hand it to the writers of Lost. Their ability to absolutely take my breath away in every episode in amazing. More than once I gripped the sofa not believing what I was seeing or hearing. But since so much happened tonight, let's hash it out.

Jack and the Case of the Tummy Troubles -
Jack is pretty benign this episode (but isn't he always?), except to pop a few pills (wait, I'm getting a vision of your future Jack!) for a self-diagnosed stomach bug. Well there you have it, a neatly framed plot device for not-tonight's episode.

Better Off Than the Other Doc -
The Boater's doc is having more than tummy trouble right now. Poor guy's had his throat slit and ended up in the ocean, washing ashore for the Losties to find. The only trouble is, the Boaters send word that the doc's fine. I'm getting a whiff of more space-time continuim shenanigans. Or could the Boaters be lying to pacify the Island folk?

GI Joe -
Let's all give a big jungle welcome to Martin Keemey (sp?...oh heck, let's just call him GI Joe)! Joe and his army pals are storming the jungle, and have so far shot down Karl, Danielle Rousseau, and Karl's water bottle. And now they have Alex as a bargaining chip to ferret Ben out of his hole. Do the other on-island Boaters know about GI Joe & company? And is the green beret objective to kill everyone on the island, like Ben says? If that's not their objective, then Claire's house must've done something to really piss them off. Watch out other Losties! He hates these houses! More houses!

Like Fish in a Barrel -

The writers...I mean, jungle commandos....did a nice job of picking off the extraneous crash survivors that had to be explained away. What have we learned from this? If you see someone just out the door getting shot, wait a little bit before running to help them. I swear, if one more body went down I would've thought it was an episode of The Family Guy.

Awesome Use of a Gun in a Piano Bench -

This deserves a badass shout-out. Ben quietly playing a sonata on his piano has a sawed-off shotgun ready to rock in the piano bench...you know, just in case. Now that is wicked crazy laugh-outloud awesome.

Farewell, Alex. I Hardly Mocked You -

In a very brutal and gasp-enducing moment, we see GI Joe personally take out Alex with a single bullet to the back of the head - right in full view of Ben. Even this bloodless "family friendly" execution for network tv is gut wrenching to watch. And nearly as wrenching was seeing some true emotion register on Ben's face besides gratification. Mark this as the point in the series where the game escalates and all the rules have changed - as it appropriately marked by Ben's comments "He changed the rules". Clearly, Ben thought that Papa Widmore wouldn't go after his daughter. Ben thought wrong.

Unleash the Dogs of War -

Apparently the changing of the "rules" between Ben and Papa Widmore entailed Ben not unleashing the Security System Smoke Monster Beastie on any commandos that raid his town. But with poor Alex's lifeless corpse just outside his livingroom window, I think Ben changed his mind. As we learn this episode, the "controls" or "command center" for the Smoke Beastie are hidden in Ben's suit vault, behind the suits, behind the false closet back, behind the foot-thick concrete door.

Ben's Frequent Flyer Miles -

This week's flash forward is brought to you by the date 10/24/2005. That's roughly just after Ben mysteriously awakes in the Sahara Desert, caps a couple of Arab riders, steals their horse, and makes for a Tunisian hotel where he's a "preferred customer". I don't know whose face looked more shocked and intimidated during that whole sequence: My face at seeing Ben ride off on a horse like a General going to war, or the poor Concierge lady at the hotel realizing what kind of "preferred customer" Ben is. So why did Ben wake up in the desert? Who left him there? And why was he wearing a coat/jumper with a "Halliwax" label on it? Is that anything like Haliburton? Because those people scare the shit out of me too!

Where's Huey Lewis & The News When You Need Them? -

Something a little fishy about Ben's Tunisian hotel check-in was his lack of certainty about the date - specifically what year it was. Is there still more time travel hijinx afoot? Ugh.

Unlucky in Love -

While we're on Mr. Ben's Wild Ride across Tunisia, we discover the sad fate of poor Sayid - husband....nay, widower...to his beloved Nadia. Sayid had finally found and married his long lost love in LA, California. Only for her to be killed a VERY short time later. How did she die? Clearly it was at the hands of Papa Widmore, or so Sayid easily believes. Why would Papa Widmore still be going after Sayid and Nadia? To find out what they know about the Island's location?

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship -

In Iraq, we catch up with Sayid mauling Ben at Nadia's funeral procession. Nah, it's not that interesting that this is where their alliance is formed, and where Sayid becomes an indentured servant to Ben, International Man of Mystery. What's more interesting is Ben's pep talk right before Sayid signs on the figurative dotted line: "Once you let your grief become anger, it never goes away." Is Ben only speaking of his grief over Alex? Or does he have a much longer, deeper grief he's been growing for many years?

Why Is Papa Still Alive??? -

So Ben breaks into Papa Widmore's hotel room, catches him fast asleep and snookered on McCutcheon's Whiskey. Game over. Papa should've hired a security squad (come to think of it, where is this mass murderer/conspirator/ne'er-do-weller's security force? Even Dr. Evil had the Fembots and Oddjob.) Anyway, back to Ben sneaking into his unprotected room. Why won't he just cap him right then and there? I know it's not very poetic since then he won't feel the pain of losing a child....yada, yada, yada...but then the Island would be safe, right? I'll go get my gun, we can do it together, BOOM!

Penny, Are Your Ears Burning? -

The price of being a rich kid. All the global assassins want to bump you off in retribution for your dad faking a commercial airline crash, hunting for a secret supernatural island, assassinating other daughters, and killing hundreds of innocent people. Poor little rich girl.

I Just Feel Bad For Desmond -

Com'on! It'd be nice for just one sweet adorable in-love couple to make it and find happiness in the normal outside world. We know it can't happen for Alex and Karl. Or Charlie and Claire. Or Sayid and Nadia. Or Sayid and Shannon. Or Kate and Jack. Or Kate and Sawyer. But why did they have to kill my buzz about Desmond and Penn? Damon and Carlton, who hurt you to make you hate love so much? WHO?

Stolen Property -

Just as Ben is announcing the vendetta against Penn, Papa Widmore drops a bombshell for the home audience - he once had control of the island (the Dharma Initiative, maybe?). And the way he sees it, Ben stole it from him. Nah, this doesn't answer anything or give us many more clues. But it's a tiny piece of the puzzle nonetheless.

FAVORITE QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:

"Australia's the key to the whole game." - Hurley says to Sawyer while playing a game of Risk

THINGS YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED:

• When Ben is bluffing to get to Papa Widmore's hotel room, he says he's going to see "Mr. & Mrs. Kendrick in 4E".


• The fence security code Alex punched in - which triggered the invasion alarm to Ben - was 1622. That is also the year of the Jamestown Massacre.


• When Ben encounters the desert riders, he speaks to them in Turkish, Arabic, and English, proving that Ben is multilingual.


• One of the desert riders notes that Ben did not leave a trail in the sand, asking "Where did he come from? Down from the sky?"


• Claire's put on a bit of weight, especially in the face - suggesting this actress might be pregnant. It's always fun to watch them play the game of "hide the belly" through episodes!

Lost Returns Tonight!

Get your TiVos ready and dim the lights, because everyone's favorite show is back on tonight (and no, I'm not talking about "Small Wonder"!). LOST returns tonight after a month-long hiatus and I am foaming at the mouth to see what comes next. As it is, I've been humming "Make Your Own Kind of Music" all morning.

Date: Tonight! Thursday, April 24
Time: 10:02pm
Channel: ABC
(thanks, ABC, for that real dick move of bumping it to a later slot AND pushing it 2 minutes back. Our TiVos thank you too. Asses.)

Super Happy Most Excellent Picture #10

Because sometimes you find a picture that just perfectly encapsulates the type of week you're having.

"Jaws of Life"

By the Way, I Admire Your Pictures Very Much

I'm proud to say that I now have a doorwall - sure, they forgot the screen and brought the wrong handle - which naturally will take 2-3 weeks to replace. But, not all is lost. You see, after my firm negotiations to receive a $200 discount on the job, I am now the proud owner of a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse. Score.

Sure I'm paying full price for a botched job, but that Bloomin' Onion will soak up my tears, and the Wallaby Darned will get me jusssst buzzed enough to make me forget that I care so much about a doorwall.

But before I go Outback tonight, I want to add a very special item to my mental shopping list. Let's just say it was inspired by a repeated and delectable fantasy all yesterday involving Brian Hanson of Hanson's Windows and his favorite plush horse doll, Khartoum.

It's a very special, very graphic horse head pillow inspired by - well if you don't know than you're completely helpless and should go hit yourself in the head with a rolled up newspaper right now over and over until the stupid falls out.

I think this message to the doorwall people will adequately explain both my displeasure, insanity, and internet shopping prowess.

Ok, so maybe I won't send this to the peeps over at Hanson's. I mean, why waste a perfectly awesome pillow, right? Besides I can use it to hold up my head after a hard night of hitting the Wallaby Darneds.

I'm thinking that with waking up next to this pillow in my bed, I'll probably stop screaming after the first 10 or 20 times. Then it's all enjoyment and cuddles. I think I'll name him Hedley.

The Soggy Ramen Noodle Post

Forget the happy, cheery post you were going to get today. Oh no, that's all gone. And when you go to cry into your midday martini about it, you can all thank Hanson's Windows for this one. Little orange-signed bastahds didn't bother to show up for the doorwall installation they scheduled. They don't call, they won't let me cancel the job. I just have to take it, because I'm the customer and they're evil, soulless, deposit-stealing cowards.

And then the lying liars from liarvania wasted my time twisting their moustaches and laughing at me while my lunch ramen noodles got cold - and there's nothing worse to eat on a Monday than cold, soggy, bloated ramen noodles.

And now I'm cranky - pop a sedative and laugh while watching Fatal Attraction kind of cranky.

So I'm off to come up with creative and disgusting things to do with the mocking orange lawn sign they have staked outside. I'm open to suggestions - particularly ones that involve feces, dirty words, cottage cheese, a carrot peeler, or a weed whacker.

Askville Answer of the Week: There's a Popey Goin' On

In honor of his high popiness - the grand wizard of all things jeebus, the man who has to eat dinner with Bushie more than once this week - I have made another Askville tribute selection that will honor his presence properly. I think this fairly screams, "Welcome to America".

I had to share this with you, not only because of my brilliant-as-always answer, but the Questioner did a bang-up job himself in coming up with some merchandise (Note To Self: must use phrase "bang-up job" more in everyday conversation). Other merchandise ideas that were introduced by other clever Askvillers include:

Popey Chow for dogs
Popesi Cola
Pope Tarts
Grey Popeon

I don't know if these will ever attain the mass appeal that Jees-Itz have garnered, but I'm sure they have their place in the Pope Market.

Now in other papal news, did you hear that after the Pope addressed a crowd on the White House lawn, Bushie actually told him his speech was "awesome". Do you think the man is still snorting the cocaine? Because I'm starting to wonder.

As always, you can find me on http://www.askville.com/. Just ask for PenguinSage. Tell her Mary Popeins sent ya!

Jazz Hands

Hip-hip-hoorah! It's sunny and warm outside, my home no longer smells like fecal matter, the spiders in my basement now have a new tile floor to scurry across while I'm screaming like Ned Flanders discovering purple drapes. Even my pug is less gassy than usual today.

In fact, all is so well...I feel a song comin' on. Yes....it's happening, I've got...I've got....jazz hands!

In fact my urge to dance, perform, and join some sort of rural multi-county 1990 beauty pageant is so strong, that I taped this performance of myself eariler today.

(...it was a real bitch to dye my hair blonde and get the bangs just right, but luckily I happened to have the costume right in my closet.)

I hope this makes your fecaless day a little brighter.

Callll Me Now!

Oy-vay, it's Monday morning and my ass is dragging so much that I need a spatula to get from room to room. And thanks to the fact that my husband and I are tiling the laundry room, I haven't been able to do laundry for the past 4 days or so, so my house smells like diapers. There's nothing like feces to bring down a Monday.

So I know there's only one thing that will really cheer me up. I thought we'd play a little game of...

Where are They Now?

Starring: Miss Cleo

Picture it, the year was 2002 , Miss Cleo slips through the hands of authorities by eluding indictment on fraud charges - something her company's promoters did not escape so easily! She is outed as being of American descent - not Jamaican - and having the real name Youree Harris. Fame soon became as fleeting as her American accent and she faded from the limelight.

So Where is She Now?

Living in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and still offering tarot readings and house/spiritual "cleansings" (for a fee, of course). Wait, how can that be legal? Didn't she almost go to jail for that already?

And in other big Cleo news, Miss Cleo has adopted a young son, Mr. Cleo. And she outed herself as an abuse survivor and lesbian. Whew!

Okay, so it appears that Miss Cleo hasn't really changed a bit. A desperate plea for attention here, a self-promoting appearance there. And she hasn't faced any consequences for her actions.

You know what? If I'm gonna get the smell of diapers out of my nostrils, I'm going to have to pull out the big guns here. That's why below I'm posting a bonus round to our game: A Guide To Talkin' Jus Like Miss Cleo! all thanks to the code-breaking geniuses at tvhaven.com

How Many Ice Cream Bars Did This Guy Have to Eat?

Filed under "Things That Made Me Smile This Week", this brilliantly insane American man has accomplished what I could only dream of in kindergarten: He has made a working Viking ship out of ice-cream sticks.

That's right, this ship you see above is made of ice-cream sticks! Now that's a lot of Eskimo Pies. And my money's on the fact that he didn't just buy the bulk sticks - oh no, he sat in his basement under the glow of a single orange light bulb and ate 30,000 Bubble-O Bill bars from the Good Humor man. I will give him this though, the only cooler way to make a boat might've been out of LEGOs or taffy. Shrinky-dinks would've also been spectacular.

The ice cream lover's name is Robert McDonald and he is stuffing the boat with toys and sailing for England via an old Viking route in order to deliver the toys to a children's hospital...blah, blah, blah....

Hey, no one cares why he did it - we all know why he did it: Because it's effing cool.

We just all want to stand and applaud him. So do it right now! That's it - stand up at your computer desk and start clapping. Oh Captain, my Captain!

Holy Guacamole!

Is it just me, or is something a little off about this map below? I can't quite put my finger on it. Michigan's looking well - check. Canada seems fine - check. New England's still attached in case I ever need clam chowdah - check. Florida, the flaccid wang of the U.S., is still hangin' low - check.


Oh man, when did we lose the Southwest of this country? Apparently the diplomats over at Absolut Vodka have decided to redraw Mexican borders to make it an "Absolut World". But what about us gringos in America? No more Vegas? No more Hollywood? No more Texas?

Wait a minute...this idea's starting to sound better and better. Ok, let's make a trade. You can keep Texas, California, and all of that deserty area. But in the Northeast here, we get free Vodka for the next 20 years. Do we have a deal?

I will accept my first case of vodka in the mail as consent. If you send crates of orange juice too, I will throw in Kentucky and Tennessee.

But really, who would've guessed that Big Vodka would've annexed the U.S. for Mexico? I always assumed that when a Vodka company finally annexed us it would be for Mother Russia. Am I right, comrades?

Cheesecake Mania

Everything keeps coming up Golden Girls this week. First I posted the movie casting question below. Then I keep catching all sorts of amazing episodes (remember the one when Rose decides not to have sex with Miles anymore?). And then I see a constellation of Sophia in the night sky.

Ok, maybe that last one didn't happen.

But to round out this Golden Girlicious week I've had, I thought I'd post one more little tidbit. Here is a very amusing little guest star appearance. Can you identify which Elvis below (attending as guests at Sophia's botched wedding) is a famous Hollywood personality?



I'll give you a hint: He's the "young Elvis" in the back row with the white jacket. Can you guess who he is now??


Ok, time's up. Here's the answer:


I guess Mr. Tarantino was a little starved for work in the 80s. Yikes. I cannot believe that some producer somewhere said, "Hey that guy - you know, 'Elvis #5' Golden Girls last night? - yeah, I want to give THAT GUY a pile of my money to make a movie!". All in all, it's a miracle "Kill Bill" ever got made. Thank Jebus.

If it makes him feel any better though, the big voice talent behind The Simpsons wasn't having a much better year.

Thank You For Being a Friend

Today's Askville Answer of the Week is a very special question close to my heart. Before you check below to see what it is, I'll give you a hint: You might want a piece of cheesecake while you're reading this. *wink*, *wink*

Now com'on everyone, sing along!

Thank you for being a friend

Travelled down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confident.

And if you threw a party-,
Invited everyone you knew-,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say,
Thank you for being a friend-.

In between Golden Girls episodes, you can always find me on www.askville.com. Just ask for PenguinSage. Tell her Rose Nylund sent ya!