File this under stupid things not to do....

Blame it on the cabin fever. But I decided to try something that on the outset seemed inventive and resourceful. In hindsight this was one of the stupidest things I've ever tried.

Concerned about the extra baby flab I still have, I followed an online article's instructions to trim inches off of my arm girth by using...coffee. Theoretically, according to this mean, cruel article, you could do this to any body part. Thankfully, I just stuck with one arm.

Here's what you're supposed to do:

1. Rub dry fresh coffee on the flabby part of body.
2. Wrap in Saran Wrap.
3. Sit in steaming hot bathroom for 1/2 hour.
4. Unwrap, wipe off, and remeasure to find that you have miraculously trimmed 1-3" off of your girth!

I thought this might work, I swear! It came from a coffee manufacturer's website for cryin' outloud! So like a moron I went out and bought - that's right bought! - a can of coffee last night. I spent 6 lousy stinkin' dollars on it.

Then this morning I sat like a sweating sow rubbed in coffee for a full 1/2 hour. Whaddaya think happened? I'll give you a hint - it ends in me kicking the garbage can a whole bunch.

And now I stink like coffee! My bathroom stinks like coffee! My dustbuster stinks like coffee! Even my pug stinks like coffee! (which apparently is fine by him...) I showered twice and my skin STILL stinks like coffee! I can't escape it...I keep running in circles to try to outstrip it, but it still follows me!

And what's more - let me tell you this my friend, so you may learn from my stupid, stupid experiment - coffee gets everywhere! You sweep it up, you turn around - and there's more! It multiplies!

Ugh, I need a hobby...and a new dustbuster...

picture cred