Lost Thoughts: The Shape of Things to Come

Boy, I'll really hand it to the writers of Lost. Their ability to absolutely take my breath away in every episode in amazing. More than once I gripped the sofa not believing what I was seeing or hearing. But since so much happened tonight, let's hash it out.

Jack and the Case of the Tummy Troubles -
Jack is pretty benign this episode (but isn't he always?), except to pop a few pills (wait, I'm getting a vision of your future Jack!) for a self-diagnosed stomach bug. Well there you have it, a neatly framed plot device for not-tonight's episode.

Better Off Than the Other Doc -
The Boater's doc is having more than tummy trouble right now. Poor guy's had his throat slit and ended up in the ocean, washing ashore for the Losties to find. The only trouble is, the Boaters send word that the doc's fine. I'm getting a whiff of more space-time continuim shenanigans. Or could the Boaters be lying to pacify the Island folk?

GI Joe -
Let's all give a big jungle welcome to Martin Keemey (sp?...oh heck, let's just call him GI Joe)! Joe and his army pals are storming the jungle, and have so far shot down Karl, Danielle Rousseau, and Karl's water bottle. And now they have Alex as a bargaining chip to ferret Ben out of his hole. Do the other on-island Boaters know about GI Joe & company? And is the green beret objective to kill everyone on the island, like Ben says? If that's not their objective, then Claire's house must've done something to really piss them off. Watch out other Losties! He hates these houses! More houses!

Like Fish in a Barrel -

The writers...I mean, jungle commandos....did a nice job of picking off the extraneous crash survivors that had to be explained away. What have we learned from this? If you see someone just out the door getting shot, wait a little bit before running to help them. I swear, if one more body went down I would've thought it was an episode of The Family Guy.

Awesome Use of a Gun in a Piano Bench -

This deserves a badass shout-out. Ben quietly playing a sonata on his piano has a sawed-off shotgun ready to rock in the piano bench...you know, just in case. Now that is wicked crazy laugh-outloud awesome.

Farewell, Alex. I Hardly Mocked You -

In a very brutal and gasp-enducing moment, we see GI Joe personally take out Alex with a single bullet to the back of the head - right in full view of Ben. Even this bloodless "family friendly" execution for network tv is gut wrenching to watch. And nearly as wrenching was seeing some true emotion register on Ben's face besides gratification. Mark this as the point in the series where the game escalates and all the rules have changed - as it appropriately marked by Ben's comments "He changed the rules". Clearly, Ben thought that Papa Widmore wouldn't go after his daughter. Ben thought wrong.

Unleash the Dogs of War -

Apparently the changing of the "rules" between Ben and Papa Widmore entailed Ben not unleashing the Security System Smoke Monster Beastie on any commandos that raid his town. But with poor Alex's lifeless corpse just outside his livingroom window, I think Ben changed his mind. As we learn this episode, the "controls" or "command center" for the Smoke Beastie are hidden in Ben's suit vault, behind the suits, behind the false closet back, behind the foot-thick concrete door.

Ben's Frequent Flyer Miles -

This week's flash forward is brought to you by the date 10/24/2005. That's roughly just after Ben mysteriously awakes in the Sahara Desert, caps a couple of Arab riders, steals their horse, and makes for a Tunisian hotel where he's a "preferred customer". I don't know whose face looked more shocked and intimidated during that whole sequence: My face at seeing Ben ride off on a horse like a General going to war, or the poor Concierge lady at the hotel realizing what kind of "preferred customer" Ben is. So why did Ben wake up in the desert? Who left him there? And why was he wearing a coat/jumper with a "Halliwax" label on it? Is that anything like Haliburton? Because those people scare the shit out of me too!

Where's Huey Lewis & The News When You Need Them? -

Something a little fishy about Ben's Tunisian hotel check-in was his lack of certainty about the date - specifically what year it was. Is there still more time travel hijinx afoot? Ugh.

Unlucky in Love -

While we're on Mr. Ben's Wild Ride across Tunisia, we discover the sad fate of poor Sayid - husband....nay, widower...to his beloved Nadia. Sayid had finally found and married his long lost love in LA, California. Only for her to be killed a VERY short time later. How did she die? Clearly it was at the hands of Papa Widmore, or so Sayid easily believes. Why would Papa Widmore still be going after Sayid and Nadia? To find out what they know about the Island's location?

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship -

In Iraq, we catch up with Sayid mauling Ben at Nadia's funeral procession. Nah, it's not that interesting that this is where their alliance is formed, and where Sayid becomes an indentured servant to Ben, International Man of Mystery. What's more interesting is Ben's pep talk right before Sayid signs on the figurative dotted line: "Once you let your grief become anger, it never goes away." Is Ben only speaking of his grief over Alex? Or does he have a much longer, deeper grief he's been growing for many years?

Why Is Papa Still Alive??? -

So Ben breaks into Papa Widmore's hotel room, catches him fast asleep and snookered on McCutcheon's Whiskey. Game over. Papa should've hired a security squad (come to think of it, where is this mass murderer/conspirator/ne'er-do-weller's security force? Even Dr. Evil had the Fembots and Oddjob.) Anyway, back to Ben sneaking into his unprotected room. Why won't he just cap him right then and there? I know it's not very poetic since then he won't feel the pain of losing a child....yada, yada, yada...but then the Island would be safe, right? I'll go get my gun, we can do it together, BOOM!

Penny, Are Your Ears Burning? -

The price of being a rich kid. All the global assassins want to bump you off in retribution for your dad faking a commercial airline crash, hunting for a secret supernatural island, assassinating other daughters, and killing hundreds of innocent people. Poor little rich girl.

I Just Feel Bad For Desmond -

Com'on! It'd be nice for just one sweet adorable in-love couple to make it and find happiness in the normal outside world. We know it can't happen for Alex and Karl. Or Charlie and Claire. Or Sayid and Nadia. Or Sayid and Shannon. Or Kate and Jack. Or Kate and Sawyer. But why did they have to kill my buzz about Desmond and Penn? Damon and Carlton, who hurt you to make you hate love so much? WHO?

Stolen Property -

Just as Ben is announcing the vendetta against Penn, Papa Widmore drops a bombshell for the home audience - he once had control of the island (the Dharma Initiative, maybe?). And the way he sees it, Ben stole it from him. Nah, this doesn't answer anything or give us many more clues. But it's a tiny piece of the puzzle nonetheless.

FAVORITE QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:

"Australia's the key to the whole game." - Hurley says to Sawyer while playing a game of Risk

THINGS YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED:

• When Ben is bluffing to get to Papa Widmore's hotel room, he says he's going to see "Mr. & Mrs. Kendrick in 4E".


• The fence security code Alex punched in - which triggered the invasion alarm to Ben - was 1622. That is also the year of the Jamestown Massacre.


• When Ben encounters the desert riders, he speaks to them in Turkish, Arabic, and English, proving that Ben is multilingual.


• One of the desert riders notes that Ben did not leave a trail in the sand, asking "Where did he come from? Down from the sky?"


• Claire's put on a bit of weight, especially in the face - suggesting this actress might be pregnant. It's always fun to watch them play the game of "hide the belly" through episodes!

Lost Returns Tonight!

Get your TiVos ready and dim the lights, because everyone's favorite show is back on tonight (and no, I'm not talking about "Small Wonder"!). LOST returns tonight after a month-long hiatus and I am foaming at the mouth to see what comes next. As it is, I've been humming "Make Your Own Kind of Music" all morning.

Date: Tonight! Thursday, April 24
Time: 10:02pm
Channel: ABC
(thanks, ABC, for that real dick move of bumping it to a later slot AND pushing it 2 minutes back. Our TiVos thank you too. Asses.)

Super Happy Most Excellent Picture #10

Because sometimes you find a picture that just perfectly encapsulates the type of week you're having.

"Jaws of Life"

By the Way, I Admire Your Pictures Very Much

I'm proud to say that I now have a doorwall - sure, they forgot the screen and brought the wrong handle - which naturally will take 2-3 weeks to replace. But, not all is lost. You see, after my firm negotiations to receive a $200 discount on the job, I am now the proud owner of a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse. Score.

Sure I'm paying full price for a botched job, but that Bloomin' Onion will soak up my tears, and the Wallaby Darned will get me jusssst buzzed enough to make me forget that I care so much about a doorwall.

But before I go Outback tonight, I want to add a very special item to my mental shopping list. Let's just say it was inspired by a repeated and delectable fantasy all yesterday involving Brian Hanson of Hanson's Windows and his favorite plush horse doll, Khartoum.

It's a very special, very graphic horse head pillow inspired by - well if you don't know than you're completely helpless and should go hit yourself in the head with a rolled up newspaper right now over and over until the stupid falls out.

I think this message to the doorwall people will adequately explain both my displeasure, insanity, and internet shopping prowess.

Ok, so maybe I won't send this to the peeps over at Hanson's. I mean, why waste a perfectly awesome pillow, right? Besides I can use it to hold up my head after a hard night of hitting the Wallaby Darneds.

I'm thinking that with waking up next to this pillow in my bed, I'll probably stop screaming after the first 10 or 20 times. Then it's all enjoyment and cuddles. I think I'll name him Hedley.

The Soggy Ramen Noodle Post

Forget the happy, cheery post you were going to get today. Oh no, that's all gone. And when you go to cry into your midday martini about it, you can all thank Hanson's Windows for this one. Little orange-signed bastahds didn't bother to show up for the doorwall installation they scheduled. They don't call, they won't let me cancel the job. I just have to take it, because I'm the customer and they're evil, soulless, deposit-stealing cowards.

And then the lying liars from liarvania wasted my time twisting their moustaches and laughing at me while my lunch ramen noodles got cold - and there's nothing worse to eat on a Monday than cold, soggy, bloated ramen noodles.

And now I'm cranky - pop a sedative and laugh while watching Fatal Attraction kind of cranky.

So I'm off to come up with creative and disgusting things to do with the mocking orange lawn sign they have staked outside. I'm open to suggestions - particularly ones that involve feces, dirty words, cottage cheese, a carrot peeler, or a weed whacker.

Askville Answer of the Week: There's a Popey Goin' On

In honor of his high popiness - the grand wizard of all things jeebus, the man who has to eat dinner with Bushie more than once this week - I have made another Askville tribute selection that will honor his presence properly. I think this fairly screams, "Welcome to America".

I had to share this with you, not only because of my brilliant-as-always answer, but the Questioner did a bang-up job himself in coming up with some merchandise (Note To Self: must use phrase "bang-up job" more in everyday conversation). Other merchandise ideas that were introduced by other clever Askvillers include:

Popey Chow for dogs
Popesi Cola
Pope Tarts
Grey Popeon

I don't know if these will ever attain the mass appeal that Jees-Itz have garnered, but I'm sure they have their place in the Pope Market.

Now in other papal news, did you hear that after the Pope addressed a crowd on the White House lawn, Bushie actually told him his speech was "awesome". Do you think the man is still snorting the cocaine? Because I'm starting to wonder.

As always, you can find me on http://www.askville.com/. Just ask for PenguinSage. Tell her Mary Popeins sent ya!

Jazz Hands

Hip-hip-hoorah! It's sunny and warm outside, my home no longer smells like fecal matter, the spiders in my basement now have a new tile floor to scurry across while I'm screaming like Ned Flanders discovering purple drapes. Even my pug is less gassy than usual today.

In fact, all is so well...I feel a song comin' on. Yes....it's happening, I've got...I've got....jazz hands!

In fact my urge to dance, perform, and join some sort of rural multi-county 1990 beauty pageant is so strong, that I taped this performance of myself eariler today.

(...it was a real bitch to dye my hair blonde and get the bangs just right, but luckily I happened to have the costume right in my closet.)

I hope this makes your fecaless day a little brighter.

Callll Me Now!

Oy-vay, it's Monday morning and my ass is dragging so much that I need a spatula to get from room to room. And thanks to the fact that my husband and I are tiling the laundry room, I haven't been able to do laundry for the past 4 days or so, so my house smells like diapers. There's nothing like feces to bring down a Monday.

So I know there's only one thing that will really cheer me up. I thought we'd play a little game of...

Where are They Now?

Starring: Miss Cleo

Picture it, the year was 2002 , Miss Cleo slips through the hands of authorities by eluding indictment on fraud charges - something her company's promoters did not escape so easily! She is outed as being of American descent - not Jamaican - and having the real name Youree Harris. Fame soon became as fleeting as her American accent and she faded from the limelight.

So Where is She Now?

Living in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and still offering tarot readings and house/spiritual "cleansings" (for a fee, of course). Wait, how can that be legal? Didn't she almost go to jail for that already?

And in other big Cleo news, Miss Cleo has adopted a young son, Mr. Cleo. And she outed herself as an abuse survivor and lesbian. Whew!

Okay, so it appears that Miss Cleo hasn't really changed a bit. A desperate plea for attention here, a self-promoting appearance there. And she hasn't faced any consequences for her actions.

You know what? If I'm gonna get the smell of diapers out of my nostrils, I'm going to have to pull out the big guns here. That's why below I'm posting a bonus round to our game: A Guide To Talkin' Jus Like Miss Cleo! all thanks to the code-breaking geniuses at tvhaven.com

How Many Ice Cream Bars Did This Guy Have to Eat?

Filed under "Things That Made Me Smile This Week", this brilliantly insane American man has accomplished what I could only dream of in kindergarten: He has made a working Viking ship out of ice-cream sticks.

That's right, this ship you see above is made of ice-cream sticks! Now that's a lot of Eskimo Pies. And my money's on the fact that he didn't just buy the bulk sticks - oh no, he sat in his basement under the glow of a single orange light bulb and ate 30,000 Bubble-O Bill bars from the Good Humor man. I will give him this though, the only cooler way to make a boat might've been out of LEGOs or taffy. Shrinky-dinks would've also been spectacular.

The ice cream lover's name is Robert McDonald and he is stuffing the boat with toys and sailing for England via an old Viking route in order to deliver the toys to a children's hospital...blah, blah, blah....

Hey, no one cares why he did it - we all know why he did it: Because it's effing cool.

We just all want to stand and applaud him. So do it right now! That's it - stand up at your computer desk and start clapping. Oh Captain, my Captain!

Holy Guacamole!

Is it just me, or is something a little off about this map below? I can't quite put my finger on it. Michigan's looking well - check. Canada seems fine - check. New England's still attached in case I ever need clam chowdah - check. Florida, the flaccid wang of the U.S., is still hangin' low - check.


Oh man, when did we lose the Southwest of this country? Apparently the diplomats over at Absolut Vodka have decided to redraw Mexican borders to make it an "Absolut World". But what about us gringos in America? No more Vegas? No more Hollywood? No more Texas?

Wait a minute...this idea's starting to sound better and better. Ok, let's make a trade. You can keep Texas, California, and all of that deserty area. But in the Northeast here, we get free Vodka for the next 20 years. Do we have a deal?

I will accept my first case of vodka in the mail as consent. If you send crates of orange juice too, I will throw in Kentucky and Tennessee.

But really, who would've guessed that Big Vodka would've annexed the U.S. for Mexico? I always assumed that when a Vodka company finally annexed us it would be for Mother Russia. Am I right, comrades?

Cheesecake Mania

Everything keeps coming up Golden Girls this week. First I posted the movie casting question below. Then I keep catching all sorts of amazing episodes (remember the one when Rose decides not to have sex with Miles anymore?). And then I see a constellation of Sophia in the night sky.

Ok, maybe that last one didn't happen.

But to round out this Golden Girlicious week I've had, I thought I'd post one more little tidbit. Here is a very amusing little guest star appearance. Can you identify which Elvis below (attending as guests at Sophia's botched wedding) is a famous Hollywood personality?



I'll give you a hint: He's the "young Elvis" in the back row with the white jacket. Can you guess who he is now??


Ok, time's up. Here's the answer:


I guess Mr. Tarantino was a little starved for work in the 80s. Yikes. I cannot believe that some producer somewhere said, "Hey that guy - you know, 'Elvis #5' Golden Girls last night? - yeah, I want to give THAT GUY a pile of my money to make a movie!". All in all, it's a miracle "Kill Bill" ever got made. Thank Jebus.

If it makes him feel any better though, the big voice talent behind The Simpsons wasn't having a much better year.

Thank You For Being a Friend

Today's Askville Answer of the Week is a very special question close to my heart. Before you check below to see what it is, I'll give you a hint: You might want a piece of cheesecake while you're reading this. *wink*, *wink*

Now com'on everyone, sing along!

Thank you for being a friend

Travelled down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confident.

And if you threw a party-,
Invited everyone you knew-,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say,
Thank you for being a friend-.

In between Golden Girls episodes, you can always find me on www.askville.com. Just ask for PenguinSage. Tell her Rose Nylund sent ya!